Jokes

[ChompChomp]

obviously you thought better of it !

[Rose]

When a live sex show opens up in a small theatre just outside the Vatican, Pope the Polack is furious. He gets together Cardinal Catsass, and a flock of bishops, and they go to watch the show to see if it would be harmful for good Catholics to view it. Coming out of the theatre an hour later, Pope the Polack and his crew all agree that it is a terrible, filthy show, and completely unsuitable as entertainment for Catholics. They are marching back to the Vatican, when suddenly Pope the Polack stops in his tracks.
”I have to go back!” he cries. ”I have forgotten my hat.”
”No you haven’t,” points out Cardinal Cats-ass, ”it is hanging in your lap!”

[bindeweede]

How many Scientologists does it take to change a light bulb?

For $5000 you can attend an introductory light-bulb changing seminar.
There you will learn that you have been changing light bulbs the
wrong way. Future, pricier seminars will teach you the right way.

[bindeweede]

I came across this, and thought it rather good.

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower & Jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 & Cricket 3.0.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail.

What can I do...??

Signed,
Desperate

-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Try entering the command: C:/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0.
If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, over-use of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5; Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1....!!!

WARNING:
Beer 6.1 is a very nasty programme that will create Snoring-loudly.zzz and Wind 3.0.

CAUTION:
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great programme, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance...

I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support

[Tony Williams]

I came across this, and thought it rather good.

[bindeweede]

A car full of engineers breaks down. The mechanical engineer says, "Open the bonnet, I'll check the engine to see if we have compression ". The electrical engineer says, "I'll check the wiring, to see if the ignition is working". The chemical engineer says, "I'll check the fuelling system". The computer engineer says, "Lets try all getting out of the car and getting back in again......"

[bindeweede]

Image of a piece of toast seen on face of the Virgin Mary.

Not a joke as such, but...................

http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2007/12/3...e-virgin-mary/

[alganbagerap]

Also not a joke as such..........
http://www.27bslash6.com/easter.html

[bindeweede]

Dental humour.

Q: Why did the student of Eastern Philosophy refuse an anaesthetic for his filling?

A: He was trying to transcend dental medication.

[Tony Williams]

Some people at a Mensa conference (minimum IQ 140) were in a cafe when one of them set the challenge of exchanging the contents of the salt and pepper containers with the tools available on the table. After much debate concerning the best methodology they eventually agreed on a complex process involving napkins, straws, etc and managed to achieve it.

Feeling pleased with their cleverness, they called over the rather dopey-looking waitress and pointed out to her that the salt was in the pepper pot and vice versa.

"Oh, sorry," she said.......and removed the container tops and swapped them over.

[Solarflair]

http://www.thaindian.com/newsportal/...100409679.html

No wonder she managed to escape.

[polomint38]

http://www.thaindian.com/newsportal/...100409679.html

No wonder she managed to escape.

If she can repeat this then I think the JREF would need t get it's $1m ready.

[bindeweede]

An engineer, a scientist, a mathematician, and a philosopher are hiking through the hills of Scotland, when they see a lone black sheep in a field.

The engineer says, "What do you know, it looks like the sheep around here are black." The scientist looks at him skeptically and replies, "Well, at least some of them are." The mathematician considers this for a moment and replies, "Well, at least one of them is." Then the philosopher turns to them and says, "Well, at least on one side."

[bindeweede]

There once was a king who lived in a two-storey grass hut. Every holiday the king demanded to be given a new throne as a gift. As soon as a new throne arrived, he would store the old throne on the second level of his hut and use the new one instead. But one day the hut collapsed from the weight of all the thrones, and everyone was crushed and killed.

The moral of this story? People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

[Admin]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a paper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" The duck asks again. "With the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says...

"What the feck would they want with a plasterer?"