Traffic cop: "Do you know how fast you were going, sir?"
Werner Heisenberg: "No, officer, but I know exactly where I was."
Wife: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburettor."
Husband: "Water in the carburettor? That's ridiculous."
Wife: "I tell you the car has water in the carburettor."
Husband: "You don't even know what a carburettor is. Where's the car?"
Wife: "In the swimming pool."
.
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for NorthWest Gas said "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)
Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evenings News)
Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a special branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)
After being charged £20 for a £10 overdraft, 30-year-old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to "Yorkshire Bank PLC Are Fascist Bastards". The bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr. Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance, by cheque, made out in his new name. (The Guardian)
A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)
At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied that he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)
Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler'". (Bournemouth Evening Echo)
HEADLINES From 2002:
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
.
A man goes to the doctor's claiming to be feeling under the weather. The doctor examines him and finds some lettuce up his left nostril, baked beans up his right, cheese in his ears, gravy in his his hair, and fish on his forehead.
Man: what is it doctor, what's the matter with me?
Doctor: I don't think you've been eating properly.
.
A man goes to the doctor's as he has a lettuce leaf growing out of his head.
The doctor takes a look and starts tutting and shaking his head.
"What's the matter" said the man, "is it worse than I thought?"
"Yes" said the doctor examining the leaf, "I'm afraid this is just the tip of the iceberg".
.
Confucius say, man who keep feet on ground have trouble putting on pants
Confucius say, support bacteria - is only culture some people have
(And there's tons more at
www.grumpyoldsod.com
Last edited by bindeweede; 16th June 2007 at 04:41 PM.
Most users ever online was 109, Today at 12:31 AM.
Insomnia can be a terrible problem, but it's not worth losing sleep over.
Man: Doctor, I seem to have sprouted four extra testicles.
Doctor: That's a load of bollocks.
.
Nicked shamelessly from a Seed blog, The worlds funniest five second video (needs sound)
"What is that sound?" a woman asked at our nature center.
"It's the frogs trilling for a mate," Patti, the naturalist, explained. "We have a pair in the science room. But since they've been together for so long, they no longer sing to each other."
The woman nodded sympathetically, "The trill is gone."
**************
"My father refused to spend money on me as a kid. One time I broke my arm playing football and my father tried to get a free X-ray by taking me down to the airport and making me lie down with the luggage."
**************
An engineer, a physicist, and a statistician were moose hunting in northern Canada. After a short walk through the marshes they spotted a HUGE moose 150 meters away.
The engineer raised his gun and fired at the moose. A puff of dust showed that the bullet landed 3 meters to the right of the moose.
The physicist, realizing that there was a substantial breeze that the engineer did not account for, aimed to the left of the moose and fired. The bullet landed 3 meters to the left of the moose.
The statistician jumped up and down screaming, "We got him! We got him!"
Q. How many Post-Modern Feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. The introduction of light into a room from a single source is an inherently masculine concept symptomatic of an authoritarian patriarchal society, which leaves no opportunity for superior feminine alternatives whereby objects exchange lighting information through a process of social cooperation and empathy.
Not so much a joke as an observation...
Now that the annual holiday season is almost upon us, what's the odds of Panorama, or similar, doing a programme on airline safety and jumbo jet crashes?They seem to emerge this time every year!!!
And,
What's the odds the French air traffic controllers will have a strike?
.
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) Don't bother, I'll sit in the dark, I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody.
At the beach Mrs. Cohen began yelling at the lifeguard who had just pulled her husband out of the ocean and told her he would start giving him artificial respiration.
"You'll either give my Benny real respiration or nothing!"
A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
"I don't like her."
A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a rabbi are discussing what they would like people to say after they die and their bodies are on display in open caskets.
Priest: I would like someone to say "He was a righteous man, an honest man, and very generous."
Minister: I would like someone to say "He was very kind and fair, and he was very good to his parishioners."
Rabbi: I would want someone to say "Look, he's moving."
Last edited by bindeweede; 2nd July 2007 at 09:52 PM.
Jewish Lottery Wish
This nice, old Jewish man really wanted to win the lottery. So, one week, he goes to synagogue and he says (good Yiddish accent mandatory), "Oy, Lord of heaven and earth, imagine how much good I could do with ze money I vould vin if I von the lottery! Imagine how much charity I could give! Help me vin the lottery and I will spent ze money wisely!" He doesn't win the lottery.
The next week, he goes to synagogue again and says, "Oh, lord of heaven and earth, you must not have heard me last veek! Imagine how many lives I could make easier with ze money from ze lottery! Help me vin ze lottery!" Once again, he doesn't win.
The third week, he goes to synagogue again and prays in a similar vein. Suddenly, he hears a voice from the heavens: "Help me, help me!"
He says, "Lord of heaven and earth, what can I do to help you?"
"Buy a ticket!"
Married Priests in Catholic Church a Long Time Coming
Prosecutors Want Victim in Courtroom During Murder Trial
Reason for More Bear Sightings: More Bears
Actor Sent to Jail for Not Finishing Sentence
Tiger Woods Play With Own Balls, Nike Says
Fireproof Clothing Factory Burns to Ground
Astronomers See Colorful Gas Clouds Bubble Out of Uranus
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Sex Offender Says Registering Will Hurt His Reputation
Psychics Predict World Didn't End Yesterday
Eye Drops Off Shelf
Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons
Jane Fonda to Teens: Use Head to Avoid Pregnancy
Specialist: Electric Chair Can Be "Extremely Painful"
Child's Stool Great for Use in Garden
Petroleum Jelly Keeps Idle Tools Rust-Free
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Man Tries Armed Robbery with Knife in Gun Store
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Statistics Show Teen Pregnancy Drops Off Significantly After Age 25
Air Board to Study Fast Food Emissions
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing in Killing State
Prisons to Replace Easy Open Locks
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
British Study Finds Less Traffic When Roads Close
Young Marines Make Tasty Christmas Treats
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Grandmother of Eight Makes Hole in One
Hirohito's Body Moved
Hospitals are Sued by Seven Foot Doctors
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While
Complaints About NHL Referees Growing Ugly Air Head Fired
Women's Movement Called More Broad-Based
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Men Recommend More Clubs for Wives
M
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