My name is Bob Leggitt, and alongside my long-term partner, Victoria Druggs, I have become a leading psychic in my particular locality. Tori and I would like to begin by commending you on your forum. I mean, we haven’t read any of it, obviously. We didn’t need to. We don’t need to read anything, be told anything, listen to anything, look at anything, smell anything or by any other physical means take in any information whatsoever. We have our guides, and we know everything, by magic. Or do we?…
Well, shortly after I met Victoria, my psychic abilities won us 44 tins of dog meat, 18 years’ supply of Corny Puffs (curried beans flavour), a night out with a David Hasselhoff tribute act, and a cruise. We became very close on that cruise. Our bond strengthened after Tori phoned the emergency services when I was thrown into the sea by a client. I had lost consciousness and was in the process of being hit by boats as I lay face down in the choppy waters. Victoria perceived I was unconscious as she watched the various launches glance off my buttocks, and she relayed this information to the coastguard, who then orchestrated my rescue. Once back on dry land and fully conscious again, I asked Tori how she had known I was unconscious. She told me that she too was psychic. “So did you get the information from a spirit guide?” I asked. “No,” she replied. “I made the deduction on the basis that you are not the sort of person who would consciously opt to lie face down in the sea and be hit by boats.” Suddenly, I realised that this was what being psychic really was. It was not in any way supernatural – it was just simple observation of human nature. Later that day I binned my crystals, my runes, my frilly shirts and capes… and I resolved to be entirely straight with all future clients about how I did what I did. I can truthfully say I have never been thrown in the sea since.
As psychic realists, we would like to expose the bungling swindlers who enshroud themselves in the supernatural, but who couldn’t, in all honesty, predict the fate of a cod in a cattery. We feel better disposed to achieve this than you regular sceptics, mainly because we possess a very special trait. A trait common among those who either are psychic, think they’re psychic, think their pets are psychic, or indeed think psychics are psychic. A trait described by our one-time psychic mentor, Gulay Harris, as ‘limited sense’. To quote Gulay: “Limited sense is rather like limited stop on a bus service, except it does not involve a bus, and rather than the stops being limited, it’s the sense”. You see, this forum is like a TV news show. TV news is full of insight and revelation, but neither we nor our clients will ever watch it whilst episodes of Tom & Jerry are being broadcast on other channels… Well, unless Emily Maitlis begins baiting Huw Edwards with cheese and then belting him with a frying pan, obviously. I think what I’m trying to say is that if you want to connect with people who will pay their psychic £200 in fees to find out why they’re short of money, your communications will require a liberal helping of limited sense. That’s where we come in.
In the coming weeks, assuming you feel that psychics can serve as your fellow sceptics, we shall blow the lid off the profession using a level of limited sense you will scarcely believe possible. We intend to reveal closely-guarded trade secrets, and generally outline how our business works. 99% of the psychic community should be very afraid. All we ask in return is that you spare the reputations of the 25 or so completely fake and incompetent psychics of whom we do strongly disapprove, but with whom we happen to have become involved in a sexual capacity.
Finally, may I briefly advise a client of mine who cannot presently be called or emailed, but who may be able to surf the web… As I understand it, Mr K, the key issues are as follows:
You are not especially enjoying your holiday.
Your passport is in North Korea.
Your girlfriend’s passport, and all your luggage, is in Columbia.
You and your girlfriend are in Bangkok, in prison.
Because you are only able to call us at 4am (our time), we will be unable to speak to you live. However, you can get an auto reading by calling our 24 hour emergency hotline. Your case is categorised as ‘disappointing social or leisure event’, so you should select option 6 in the first menu. The second menu relates to our car, whether you have stolen it, and whether or not you are about to drive it into a canal. You can skip this by pressing 9.
Love & light,
Bob.
You appear to be completely barking, however, a great read - keep it coming.
Hi Bob and welcome to UKS
Hi people. Just spreading the word that the newspaper editor who frequently ridiculed one of our psychic farming claims in print, has, this morning, published a full retraction. Here is his statement…
“I have asserted in this newspaper numerous times that the cattle belonging to local ‘psychics’ Bob Leggitt and Victoria Druggs was not, as they claimed, indestructible. However, yesterday I was served for lunch one of their farm fresh steak pies, and I am now in no doubt whatsoever that their claims are entirely true.”
We hope to write up our first nugget of psychic insider wisdom before the end of the day.
Love & light,
Bob.
THE ROLE OF THE PSYCHIC MENTOR
This post is the work of psychics and is thus for entertainment purposes only.
The psychic mentor is a vital component in the development process. We did plan to write a long and drawn out resume of what he or she does for £80 an hour, but in all honesty we couldn’t actually think of anything. We did, however, stumble upon a recorded phonecall, which I recently made to our current mentor, who has asked to remain nameless.
MY ENQUIRY:
“I’ve given someone some advice and they’re dead. Am I in trouble?”
MENTOR'S REPLY:
“I doubt it. Had you actually bothered doing some work and become a responsible member of society like a doctor or a nurse, then you would now be banged up in solitary with an ‘Enemy of the State’ plaque on your cell door. But since instead you have chosen to crawl out of bed midway through the afternoon and then spend the evening in a candlelit extension calling yourself ‘Earth’, no one will bat an eyelid. You are not a professional advisor, you are a psychic, and as such, everything you say exists for entertainment purposes only. Quite how entertaining the experience was for your client remains open to debate, but that is beside the point. You gave the advice for the purpose of entertaining him. It was his responsibility to be entertained, and not killed by it. In my view, he should additionally have recognised that a man sitting there in his pants with all the lights out should not be taken notice of in any shape or form. That, however, is merely my personal opinion, and not a facet of the law.”
So, there you have it. The role of a psychic mentor, nicely summed up in one example. I should like it noted that the client in question would still be alive had he consumed the type of fungus I actually recommended, and not selected an alternative with a prettier hue.
Important Addendum from Victoria…
Consult an expert before consuming any fungus. And by that I mean a medically trained, qualified consultant - not some herbal character in a bandana who trades from a tent. However, do not waste, say, a GP’s time, with queries about fungus which comes in the form of mushrooms on the top of a brand name pizza you’ve bought from a reputable supermarket. GPs have more important things to do than inspect pizzas or strain and analyse tins of soup. Equally, your time and travel expenditure will mount beyond reason if you take every omlette or chow mein you buy from your local take-away to a surgery or hospital before eating it - and all your meals will be cold. Above all, DO NOT CALL THE EMERGENCY SERVICES WITH QUESTIONS ABOUT COMMERCIALLY AVAILABLE PIZZAS, SOUP, OMLETTES, ETC.
Love & Light,
Bob & Tori.
Given the surnames, mushroom references and disjointed logic - are you perhaps sampling the product?
'Sampling' may not be the right word. We'd be more inclined to use the phrase 'living on', and I think the more times you read what we've written, the more sense that will make.Originally Posted by Pebble
Leggitt and Druggs? Sounds like a dubious firm of solicitors from Turnham Green.
Dear Bob,
I for one am enjoying this. I detect a humourous dissection of the subject, and like the style. Keep it coming.
I really must be getting old ... actually find myself agreeing with DD here.
More from the Leggitt/Tori duo please. I ain't got too much to smile about these days so thanks for putting a smile on this mug ... however fleeting.
Bob - can you please tell me if you ever thought you were really psychic? If so, why? And why did you decide to offer your services, please?
Please pop over to the Welcome To The UK-Skeptics' Forum thread for details.
In short, you probably flew with Continental Airlines.
For those who can't be bothered, he said: "Have I ever considered myself really psychic? For as long as I can remember I've considered myself as psychic as anyone who's ever made such a claim. Whether that's a yes or a no depends, of course, on whether I believe any psychic is really psychic. I hope you won't mind me leaving that conclusion for you to reach."
There are definitely self-described psychics and, among those I've met, I believe many of them genuinely believe that they have paranormal abilities. If you interpret your experiences in a particular way, it is quite easy to believe you are psychic. I've had many such experiences but realise there are better alternative explanations. One characteristic I've noted among people who have such experiences is that they all fail to investigate alternative possible explanations both at the time and later on.
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