Those Security Threat Levels

**Dubious Dick** · 27th January 2010, 08:10 AM

With apologies if already posted.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or
even "A Bit Cross."

The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea
supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from
"Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a
"Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the
Spanish Armada.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's Get the
Bastards!" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they
have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300
years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror
alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France
are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent
fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing
the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to
"Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective
Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance"
to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher
levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish
Navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish Navy. Americans,
meanwhile and as usual, are carrying out preemptive strikes on all of
their allies, just in case.

And in the southern hemisphere...

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to
"BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the Air Force being a
squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the Navy some
toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more
level of escalation, which is "I Hope Australia Will Come and Rescue
Us".

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No Worries"
to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain:
"Crikey!', "I Think We'll Need to Cancel the Barbie this Weekend" and
"The Barbie is Cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of
the final escalation level.

**Croydon Bob** · 27th January 2010, 01:34 PM

That has now been posted on every message board that I've looked at this week...

In my building we are referring to our current security level as "exaggerated". And I refuse to comply with the requirement that I accompany visitors into the toilets. I already know everyone that visits me and I don't want to get to know them any better.

**Harryprice** · 27th January 2010, 02:00 PM

So if security levels go up, are you more cautious? And if they go down, do you say 'what the heck?'

I'm never sure how we are supposed to react to security levels.