Jokes Are Good For Your Health
Recent researches suggest that laughter influences more than our mental framework, it actually has a positive effect on the physical aspect as well. It has been widely accepted, for some time, that laughter increases the pain resistance level, but the theory is still not proven. In fact, very few studies have yet been made about the relation between comedy and health, but those existing seem to indicate that a good joke may lower the blood pressure, improve memory and cognitive functions and boost the immune system.
A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach in Miami .
As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have
boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why. She
tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is."
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns
to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad
does.
She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is." Again
satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.
Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells his
mother:
Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he
talks, the dumber he gets."
A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: That the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued...and won! In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."
NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the Insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
Recently, at a theological meeting in Rome, scholars had a heated debate on the subject of the ethnicity and nationality of Jesus. One by one they offered their evidence:
Jesus was...
Recently, at a theological meeting in Rome, scholars had a heated debate on the subject of the ethnicity and nationality of Jesus. One by one they offered their evidence -
Jesus was Mexican -
His name was Jesus
He was bilingual
He was always being harassed by the authorities
But then there were equally good arguments that...
Jesus was black -
He called everyone "brother"
He liked Gospel
He couldn't get a fair trial
But then there were equally good arguments that...
Jesus was Jewish -
He went into his father's business
He lived at home until he was 33
He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God
But then there were equally good arguments that...
Jesus was Italian -
He talked with his hands
He had wine with every meal
He used olive oil
But then there were equally good arguments that...
Jesus was Californian -
He never cut his hair
He walked around barefoot
He started a new religion
But then there were equally good arguments that...
Jesus was Irish -
He never got married
He was always telling stories
He loved green pastures
But perhaps the most compelling evidence...
Jesus was a woman -
She fed a crowd at a moment's notice
Men didn't understand her
Even when dead, she arose to complete her work
The Seamstress
One day, a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river and her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked,
"My dear child, why are you crying?"
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped his hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked again.
The seamstress replied, "No"
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "YES."
The lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep and the seamstress went home happy. Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the same riverbank and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson.
"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the seamstress.
The lord was furious. "YOU LIED! That is untrue!
The seamstress replied, "Oh! Forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise.Then, if I said 'No' to him, you would have come up with my husband and had I then said 'yes' you would have given me all three.
Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care
of all three husbands, so that's why I said 'yes' to Mel Gibson."
The moral of this story is:
WHENEVER A WOMAN LIES, IT'S FOR A GOOD AND
HONOURABLE REASON AND IN THE BEST INTEREST OF OTHERS.
THAT'S OUR STORY,
AND WE'RE STICKING TO IT.
Proud To Be British
Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of
all things foreign! Only in Britain can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in Britain do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. Only in Britain do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.
Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters. Only in Britain do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage. Only in Britain do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have
call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
NOT TO MENTION..
3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery
works on their tongue.
142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing
all pins from new shirts.
58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp
knives instead of screwdrivers
31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their
Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing
that Christmas decorations were chocolate.
British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last
year after Xmas cracker-pulling accidents.
18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a
new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the
last two years after trying to open bottles of beer with their teeth.
5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control Scalextric cars.
And finally...
In 2000 eight Brits were admitted to hospital with fractured skulls incurred whilst throwing up into the toilet.
Luvvly Jubbly!Originally Posted by Zaira
Can you find out how proud the French are to be French?
Actually, I think we all know the answer already.
Thanks for that Zaira but...
Curry is most definately British, try getting one in india.
No British Pharmacist I know sells cigarettes. Occasionally a supermarket will have an instore pharmacist but this is surely more typical of the USA and their "drugstores"
And that's enough pointless pedantry from me for this time in the morning ;-)
I'll just stand around whistling innocently shall I?
"No British Pharmacist I know sells cigarettes. Occasionally a supermarket will have an instore pharmacist but this is surely more typical of the USA and their "drugstores""
No. British supermarkets have the pharmacy up the back of the store and the cigarettes counter just as you go in the front door.
"I'll just stand around whistling innocently shall I?"
Me too.
British Pharmacies used to sell tobacco goods up until the early-mid '70s
Also many of the large supermarket chains are deploying Pharmacies in their stores; Asda, Tesco, Sainsburys and Morrisons all have pharmacies in their larger stores with plans to expand the services.
Nuns on Bikes - Mother Superior is sitting quietly in the convent garden when her prayers are interrupted by a heated argument between two nuns. She listens for a few minutes, but when it becomes apparent that they won't come to their own solution she closes her book and walks over to them. "I've heard enough!" she snaps. "Sister Mary, you may have the bicycle Tuesday and Thursday mornings from nine to noon. Sister Catherine, you may have the bicycle Monday and Wednesday afternoons from one to four. Now not another word or I'll put the seat back on!"
~~~~~~~
Three nuns were on their way back to the convent when who should jump out on them but a vampire, the Mother Superior thought for a moment then said to the two others “watch this” and she held up the bible, the vampire took a step back however it had no effect, the second nun rummaged in her habit and found a bottle of holy water which she tossed at the vampire, the water did nothing by now the Mother Superior was getting worried “I know” she said “Sister Maria show him your cross” sister Maria stood in front of the Vampire kicked him in the nuts and said “F*uck off”.
~~~~~~~
A husband asks his wife, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?" "After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship." "If I died and you remarried," the husband asks, "would he live in this house?" "We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess he would." "If I died and you remarried, and he lived in this house," the husband asks, "would he sleep in our bed?" "Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess he would." "If I died and you remarried, and he lived in this house and slept in our bed, would he use my golf clubs?" "Oh, no!" the wife replies. "He's left-handed!"
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request. A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!". Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in his varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord!" A bit p*ssed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band, around the B flat minor chord, and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise. The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord!" Well and truly angry that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie says to him from the stage "OK, smart-ass. You get up here and do it!" The little old man climbs up onto the stage......... takes hold of the mike and starts to sing......... "A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. Thinking nothing of it, the man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before. Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you okay?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you. I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before," he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded. "Pepper"
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