Bad Comedian's thread

[Dr B]

How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light-bulb?????

One, but the light-bulb has to really, really, really, want to change.... ;D

[Dr B]

How many country & western singers does it take to change a light-bulb???

Two - one to change the bulb, and the other to sing a song about how good the old one was.... ;D

[Admin]

Taken from the guiness book of records ;)

Talking about Nothing

Mrs. Mary Caterham (GB) and Mrs. Marjorie Steele (GB) sat in a kitchen in Blackburn, Lancs. and talked about nothing whatsoever for four and a half months from 1st May to 7th August 1978, pausing only for coffee, cakes and toilet visits.

Throughout the whole time, no information was exchanged and neither woman gained any new knowledge whatsoever.

The outdoor record for talking about nothing is held by Mrs. Vera Etherington (GB) and her neighbour Mrs. Dolly Booth (GB) of Ipswich, who between 11th November 1983 and 12th January 1984 chuntered on over their fence in an unenlightening dialogue lasting almost 62 days until Mrs.Booth remembered she'd left the bath running.

[Admin]

Dithering…

The world record for dithering whilst shopping was set by Mrs. Beryl Bogwater on 18th July 2001 as she was shopping for a new dress in the Metro Centre, Gateshead.

After being tempted by the first dress she saw, she couldn’t decide whether or not to buy it. So she took her husband on an eighteen hour, eighty-four mile trek around the shops, looking at 8,466 other dresses, and trying on 2,891 of them.

Mr Bogwater attempted suicide on the 4,123rd occasion that his wife stopped to pick up an outfit only to declare, “I would never wear this…”, but he was too weak by this time to succeed.

Beryl eventually returned to the first dress she looked at, and bought it.

It is now in her side of the wardrobe, and she will wear it as soon as she gets back down to a size 12.

[Admin]

Gossiping

On February 18th 1992, Joyce Blatherwick, a close friend of Agnes Banbury popped round for a cup of tea and a chat, during the course of which she told Mrs. Banbury, in the strictest confidence, that she was having an affair with the butcher.

After Mrs. Blatherwick left at 2.10pm, Mrs. Banbury immediately began to tell everyone, swearing them all to secrecy.

By 2.30pm, she had told 128 people of the news. By 2.50pm it had risen to 372 and by 4.00pm that afternoon, 2774 knew of the affair, including the local Amateur dramatic Society, several knitting circles, a coachload of American tourists, which she flagged down, and the butcher's wife.

When a tired Mrs. Banbury went to bed at 11.55pm that night, Mrs.Blatherwick's affair was common knowledge to a staggering 75,338 people, enough to fill Wembley Stadium.

[Lord Muck oGentry]

How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Ten. One to change the light bulb and nine to stand about , muttering " I could have done that."

[tkingdoll]

Oh my, there's three of them now.

RUN FOR YOUR LIVES, EVERYONE!

[Lord Muck oGentry]

How many skeptics does it take to change a light bulb?

[no conferring]

[Mojo]

How many country & western singers does it take to change a light-bulb???

Two - one to change the bulb, and the other to sing a song about how good the old one was.... ;D


How many folkies does it take to change a light bulb?

Six: one to change it, four to sing about how good the old light bulb was...











...and one to walk out because it's electric.

[Lord Muck oGentry]

[quote=Dr B ]

...and one to walk out because it's electric.


Shan't say it. Shan't...

[Mojo]

The world record for dithering whilst shopping was set by Mrs. Beryl Bogwater on 18th July 2001 as she was shopping for a new dress in the Metro Centre, Gateshead.Are you sure the Metro Centre isn't out Blaydon way?

[Admin]

Yes, the Metro Centre is close to Blaydon. Blaydon is on the Gateshead side of the river though.

[Admin]

How many skeptics does it take to change a light bulb?


I give in! :D

[huw-l]

I don't believe the lightbulb needs changing

[Aardvark]

How many radical feminist extremists does it take to change a light bulb






none, it's a mans job!

[Aardvark]

How many students does it take to screw in a light bulb




!!!! you can screw in a light bulb??

[Aardvark]

How many systems analysts does it take to change a light bulb




15




its a hardware fault really

[Aardvark]

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb







Fish

[Hazen]

Aardvark beat me to it:


How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None - hardware problem

[Aardvark]

How many married men does it take to change a light bulb

3

One to change the bulb and the other two to award him with a medal and look grateful

[Aardvark]

How many Woos does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one

but it takes an age because once they take hold, they have to wait for the cosmos to revolve around them.

[doubting thomas]

Why does it take 10 women with PMT to change a light bulb ?


(shouting) BECAUSE IT BLOODY WELL DOES OK

[vbloke]

What kind of monkey can fly?






A hot air baboon

[Mojo]

How many radical feminist extremists does it take to change a light bulb?One, and it's NOT FUNNY!

[tkingdoll]

How many egocentrics does it take to change a light bulb?

A million and one.

One to hold the lighhtbulb and a million to revolve the world around her.

[Dr B]

A rabbit might be able to multiply, but only a snake can be an adder....(geddit!!!) - apologies in advance...... ;D

[median]

A rabbit might be able to multiply, but only a snake can be an adder....(geddit!!!) - apologies in advance......

Mmm whats up Doc? I think you may need to visit the herpetologist ASAP?

Oh, by the way, blessed are the Greeks ;D ;D

[Admin]

Welcome Median O0

I must say though, I thought your first posting was decidedly 'average'. ;D

Obviously I sorted all first postings out and picked the one in the middle. 8)

[Druid]

How many women does it take to change a lightbulb?

7

One to change the bulb, the other six to start a support group.

Dru.

[tkingdoll]

How many women does it take to change a lightbulb?

7

One to change the bulb, the other six to start a support group.

Dru.


oooooh now you're in trouble!

[median]

Welcome Median

I must say though, I thought your first posting was decidedly 'average'.

Obviously I sorted all first postings out and picked the one in the middle.


;D Nice one, John, I see what youmean. Your mode of reply was quite witty O0

[Druid]

How many women does it take to change a lightbulb?

7

One to change the bulb, the other six to start a support group.

Dru.


oooooh now you're in trouble!


Ut ohh, *dives behind sofa*

Psssst John, if you see Tkingdoll anytime soon, dont let on you've seen me.... :-\

Dru.

[Dr B]

;D

[Mongrel]

Got sent this on Friday and as such I bear no responsibility for it ::)

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, says, "Where in the hell have you been?"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a Hundred Dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, for one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Larry is recovering at a local Melbourne Hospital.

[median]

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirin next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table. It says, "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, THAT! Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, you tart, I'm married!'"

Broken furniture £85.26
Hot Breakfast £4.20
Red Rose bud £3.00
Two Aspirins £0.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless

[Lord Muck oGentry]

I don't believe the lightbulb needs changing


Spoken like a true skeptic!

[Hazen]

http://img66.imageshack.us/img66/7147/britneypriceless0il.jpg

[Hazen]

Still one of my favourites:


This is how I would describe myself...

I'm wellknown amoungst the wellknown. I'm the man who makes things happen. I'm a people person. I'm both a dreamer and a doer. I drive a hard bargain. Some would call me a mover and a shaker. A high roller. I'm a wheeler and a dealer. I rub a lot of elbows with the bigshots. If I need it, I can get it, or I have a connection who can. If I want it to happen, it will. I'm a mystro behind the scenes and an MC infront. I set things up and if I change my mind, I shoot them down. I drive a hard bargain, but I make inticing deals. I'm a traveler and a conosure of conosourship. Buisiness is my buisiness.

Some would call me suave and other charming. Others simply do not know what to call me. I tend to attract the attractive. I fix things the way I want them, but sometimes I break a heart in the process. I'm a salesman of ideas. A merchant of the high life. I am a producer and a consumer. I dabble in this and that, but never stay in one place very long. I'm there when I need to be and I leave on my own terms.

I'm a fan of a grand entrance. Time is my most valuable asset, and I hedge all my bets. I'm an agent of my own agenda. My network is well distributed. My friends are in high places, but still look up to me. If you try to look me up, you'll find I can't be found. But if something strikes my fancy, I'll always be around.

No matter where I go, I have people to hook me up with best. I make deals with a firm handshake, a nod and a wink. I'm a collector and a speculator. But I usually hit things dead on. Some say I have the Midas touch, but others say I'm just in the loop. I'm outside the establishment but always an insider. I can make doors open.

If I need a favor, there's always someone who owes me one. If you need it done, I'm always your man. I'm a mystery and an enigma, yet I keep no secerets. I'm a fan of literature, but a reader of mankind. I can get to know you, better than you know yourself.

In all my interactions with others, I play the roll of the director. I'm always in control and never out of my element. Some think they have me only to find out that they have been had. I like to hide in plain sight.

I have a way with my words and I can use yourown for my purposes as well.

My powers of persuasion are second to none. I cary no cards, yet I'm an honory member of all clubs.

My resume is my life and the world is my playground.

[Hazen]

Not sure if this is allowed, but I'll post it anyway and assume the powers that be will spirit it away, if not.

A little girl came home from school and told her mother that she had just found out where babies come from. Her mother said, "Oh really? Please do tell!"

The little girl said, "First, Daddy's penis gets hard and then he puts it in Mommy's mouth..."

Her mother interrupted her and said, "Oh no honey, that's where jewelry comes from!"

[Aardvark]

Not sure if this is allowed, but I'll post it anyway and assume the powers that be will spirit it away, if not.

A little girl came home from school and told her mother that she had just found out where babies come from. Her mother said, "Oh really? Please do tell!"

The little girl said, "First, Daddy's penis gets hard and then he puts it in Mommy's mouth..."

Her mother interrupted her and said, "Oh no honey, that's where jewelry comes from!"


I am sorry, this is bad................but I just can't resist...........

You mean jewellery such as a pearl necklace >:D

[Admin]

I don't know! ::)

I've set a standard on this board and you're reached it already. ;D

[Trinoc]

How many skeptics does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They don't believe that changing it will make any difference, then when someone else changes it they won't believe it is any lighter until someone has published a peer-reviewed double-blind trial to prove it. :smiley:

[curmudgeon]

what do you call two thieves?

A pair of knickers

[curmudgeon]

what do you call this....(breathes out quickly twice)

A pair of pants

you see what I did there????

[ZERO]

How many skeptics does it take to change a light bulb?

[no conferring]
Does the light bulb really need changing? Have you tried the switch?
Even if you have tried the switch, it could be the socket it self that is faulty.
Maybe there is a general power outage? Are the other lights working?

I don't know why you jump to the conclusion that the bulb needs changing?

Is it a real light bulb, I mean I have never actually seen it, have you?

Maybe there is a ....


.....and so on.