Dumb Britain.

[Admin]

These things always make me laugh.

Phil: What’s eleven squared?
Contestant: I don’t know.
Phil: I’ll give you a clue. It’s two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?
PHIL WOOD SHOW, BBC RADIO MANCHESTER


I heard a one myself today on Magic radio:

DJ: What year did Hitler become chancellor of Germany?
Contestant: Hmmmm, was it before or after the war?

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D


"You won’t win silver medals at the Olympic Games unless you’re the very very best. "
BRENDAN FOSTER
BBC1

"If Livingstone don’t keep their discipline the inevitable could happen. "
MARK HATELEY
Setanta Sports

"We didn't underestimate them. They were a lot better than we thought."
Bobby Robson after England nearly lost to Cameroon, WC 1990.

"Dumbarton player Steve McCahill has limped off with a badly cut forehead."
TOM FERRIE

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer."
DAVID ACFIELD

"Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago" (David Coleman)

[Mongrel]

Heard one on Heart yesterday morning

DJ - "The longest running Big Brother we've had in the UK was 13 weeks, Germany (IIRC) has had a longer one. How long in days do you think it was?"

Idiot - "42"

[Hazen]

No comment needed:
http://www.mypartypost.com/watchvideo/2747/Stupid_Americans

[Admin]

I've just heard on the radio that 70% of engine wear occurs in the first 10 minutes of your journey.

Top tip #1

Reduce engine wear by 70% - leave home 10 minutes later. :cheesy:

[Admin]

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush.

They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America.

President Bush said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will."

The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and Sulu who is Chinese, but no Arabs. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians on Star Trek."

President Bush laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back, "It's because it takes place in the future."

[Admin]

Top Tip #2

Save money on expensive binoculars by standing closer to the object you wish to view. 8)

[Mojo]

You got that from Viz, didn't you!

[Mojo]

I heard a one myself today on Magic radio:

DJ: What year did Hitler become chancellor of Germany?
Contestant: Hmmmm, was it before or after the war?

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Apparently it was the year before Edgar Cayce predicted it. ;D

[Mongrel]

I heard a one myself today on Magic radio:

DJ: What year did Hitler become chancellor of Germany?
Contestant: Hmmmm, was it before or after the war?

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Apparently it was the year before Edgar Cayce predicted it. ;D


Rodney

Well it was still mostly right, and the book his Son wrote says that if you check the archives at ARE he clarified his point. Therefore I still believe in him and it's up to disprove him...almonds...

/Rodney

[Admin]

A man goes to the doctor's as he has a lettuce leaf growing out of his head.

the doctor takes a look and starts tutting and shaking his head.

"What's the matter" said the man, "is it worse than I thought?"

"Yes" said the doctor examining the leaf, "I'm afraid this is just the tip of the iceberg".

[Admin]

I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him £50 that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf.

He refused the wager as the steaks were too high.

[Nondescript]

The other day I met a man who was standing on a street corner and the back of his coat was flapping up and down madly.
People walking past were chucking money at him, so I asked "Do you get given much money?".
"Yes," he replied, "it's my livelihood".

[Admin]

This year's Irish National Indoor Athletics Championships were cancelled today as it was such a nice day outside.

[Admin]

I've got Magic radio on in the background and I've just heard this quiz question:

DJ: What is a Unicorn?

Contestant: An Aardvark.


:-X ;D

[bindeweede]

Who needs rhetorical questions?

[bindeweede]

Does the name "Pavlov" ring any bells?

[bindeweede]

Why isn't "phonetic" spelt the way it sounds?

[bindeweede]

Why isn't "phonetic" spelt the way it sounds?


• If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on – what happens?

[bindeweede]

• "If power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?"

[bindeweede]

"In the beginning there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it."

[huw-l]

• If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on – what happens?


Not a lot. If you are travelling at the speed of light, time has stopped. One of the many reasons you can't actually get to the speed of light.

Science: ruining jokes since 1268AD

[vbloke]

• If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on – what happens?


Not a lot. If you are travelling at the speed of light, time has stopped. One of the many reasons you can't actually get to the speed of light.

Science: ruining jokes since 1268AD


My favourite science joke was a bumper sticker - a white sticker with the words:

IF THIS LOOKS BLUE, YOU'RE GOING TOO FAST

[Araneus]

Why isn't "phonetic" spelt the way it sounds?


Why should it? There is no law that says all words have to be self-descriptive.

[vbloke]

Why should it? There is no law that says all words have to be self-descriptive.


Exactly.

Although, I feel "orange" should be onomatopoeic.

[median]

Am I a total failure? :-[

[Zaira]

http://i135.photobucket.com/albums/q134/asdat/23.gif

[brodski]

"In the beginning there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it."

The bible tells us “in the beginning there was the Word”, now I for one can’t believe that the first thing that god created was Terry Christian, even if he is a relative.