Jokes

[Admin]

Urinalysis

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, “My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor.” “Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Mike replies. “There’s a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer’ll tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor.”

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

[Admin]

A man goes to his doctor and says, “I don’t think my wife’s hearing is as good as it used to be, what should I do?” The doctor replies, “Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn’t respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you.”

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, “What’s for dinner, honey?” He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Again, no answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, “Honey, what’s for supper?” She replies, “For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN, you deaf?"

[Melanie]

The Pope, a schoolboy and an unnamed American President are in a plane. Suddenly the pilot suffers a heart attack and the craft takes a nosedive. As the engines sputter, the three passengers try to stay calm.

'Well,' says the Pope, 'we have established that none of us can land this baby, so we're going to have to jump for it.'

'But there are only two parachutes,' says the boy, pointing to a pile of bundles by the exit.

Without hesitating, the American President rushes over to them, takes one and shouts: 'I am the President of the United States of America. I am the world's most powerful leader. And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of my country. I have a responsibility to my people not to die.'

With that, he leaps out of the plane.

Now the Pope turns calmly to the schoolboy and says: 'I am already old. I have already lived my life as a good person and a priest. There is a place for me in heaven. I insist you take the last parachute.'

'No need,' says the boy, 'America's most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag...'

[bindeweede]

Well, this isn't as non-pc as it might seem.

"Did you know that beer contains the female hormone oestrogen?
That's why, after you've had 7 or 8 pints, you can't drive properly."

[Allo Allo]

I've been weeping with laughter! Have you seen this (http://video.google.co.uk/videoplay?docid=2889527841583480458)?

M

;D:'(;D

[Admin]

If a deaf and dumb lad swears using sign language, does his mother make him wash his hands with mouthwash? ???

[Admin]

Mrs. Schrodinger: "Erwin, what have you done to the cat? It looks half dead!"

[Admin]

What's the difference between an ASDA carrier bag and Michael Jackson?

One is white, made of plastic and dangerous for young children to play with.

The other is useful for carrying home your shopping.

[Admin]

Ambiguous News headlines……

1. Include Your Children when Baking Cookies

2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

4. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

5. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

6. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

8. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

9. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

10. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

11. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

12. Eye Drops Off Shelf

13. Teachers Strike Idle Kids

14. Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

15. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax

16. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

17. Miners Refuse to Work after Death

18. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

19. Stolen Painting Found by Tree

20. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter

21. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Times in 10 Years

22. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

23. War Dims Hope for Peace

24. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

25. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

26. Deer Kill 17,000

27. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

28. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

29. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

30. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

31. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

32. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

33. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

34. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

35. Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire

36. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

37. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

38. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

39. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

[Admin]

The Parrot and the Burglar

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty.

He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"

"Yes", said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?"

"Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"

The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."

[Admin]

A little old lady is on a bus, buying a ticket from the bus conductor, fumbling in a voluminous bag for the correct change. After 15 minutes the conductor becomes so enraged that he hits her on the head with the ticket-dispenser, and the poor old dear dies instantly.

Not surprisingly, he is convicted and put on death row. Just before he is to be electrocuted, his last request is for 12 pounds of bananas, which he devours. They strap him into the chair, flip the switch, and he just sits there, smiling. According to tradition, this is considered a reprieve from God and he is freed.

Somehow he gets his old job back, and he is happily dispensing tickets when he sees a girl stick her gum on the back of a seat on the bus. Enraged, he lunges out with the ticket dispenser, breaking the offender's neck and killing her. Again, he is convicted and sent to death row. He again eats the 12 pounds of bananas, and lo and behold, the electricity does not harm him. This time the executioner cleans the contacts, makes him sit in a bucket of water, he tries everything - but still the guy won't die. So again, he is set free.

Amazingly he regains his job. It takes him 1 day to lose his temper and beat to death a young boy who starts to chew his bus ticket. He returns to death row, eats the bananas, and survives the electrocution.

At this point, the executioner can take no more - his professional pride has been hurt. Before setting our friend free again, he asks him his secret "What is it with the bananas?".

"Oh, the bananas have nothing to do with it", replies our friend. "I'm just a bad conductor."

[Admin]

Riding

The favourite at Cheltenham, a jockey was well ahead of the field. Suddenly he was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages. He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence.

With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding. Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming only second. He immediately went to the stewards to complain that he had lost the race because he'd been hampered.

[Admin]

Batty Books :cheesy:

DON'T GIVE UP by Percy Vere.

FRENCH OVERPOPULATION by Francis Crowded

THE LOST BET by Henrietta Hat

HOUSE CONSTRUCTION by Bill Jerome Holme

"Speed Reading" By Paige Turner

"The Chinese Paedophile" By Fuk M Yung

"The Inevitable Occurrence" By Sue Nora Layter

"The Largest Bra In The World" By E. Norma Stitz

"The Size Of My Penis" By Mike Oxlong

"Weeds In My Garden" By Dan D. Lyon

"Breakfast Recipes" By Egon Toast

"Cannibalism" By Henrietta Mann

"Harbouring A Chinese Fugitive" By Hu Yu Hai Ding

"Hole In The Mattress" By Mr. Completely

"Premature Children In China" By Tai Nee Bai Bee

"Set Fire To The Taxman" By Bernardette Collector

[Allo Allo]

ZEN FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.
I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
Ok, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously
overlooked something.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just do not have film.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
Eagles may soar, but weasels do not get sucked into jet engines.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what
happened.
Just remember - if the world did not suck, we would all fall off.


M

[Melanie]

How To Prepare Chicken...

A waiter asks a man, “May I take your order, sir?”

“Yes,” the man replies. “I’m just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?”

“Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they’re going to die.”

[Mojo]

Traffic cop: "Do you know how fast you were going, sir?"
Werner Heisenberg: "No, officer, but I know exactly where I was."

[Admin]

Wife: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburettor."
Husband: "Water in the carburettor? That's ridiculous."
Wife: "I tell you the car has water in the carburettor."
Husband: "You don't even know what a carburettor is. Where's the car?"
Wife: "In the swimming pool."

[Admin]

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for NorthWest Gas said "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evenings News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a special branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

After being charged £20 for a £10 overdraft, 30-year-old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to "Yorkshire Bank PLC Are Fascist Bastards". The bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr. Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance, by cheque, made out in his new name. (The Guardian)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied that he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler'". (Bournemouth Evening Echo)

HEADLINES From 2002:

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

[Admin]

A man goes to the doctor's claiming to be feeling under the weather. The doctor examines him and finds some lettuce up his left nostril, baked beans up his right, cheese in his ears, gravy in his his hair, and fish on his forehead.

Man: what is it doctor, what's the matter with me?

Doctor: I don't think you've been eating properly.

[Admin]

A man goes to the doctor's as he has a lettuce leaf growing out of his head.

The doctor takes a look and starts tutting and shaking his head.

"What's the matter" said the man, "is it worse than I thought?"

"Yes" said the doctor examining the leaf, "I'm afraid this is just the tip of the iceberg".

[bindeweede]

Confucius say, man who keep feet on ground have trouble putting on pants



Confucius say, support bacteria - is only culture some people have

(And there's tons more at
www.grumpyoldsod.com

[bindeweede]

Most users ever online was 109, Today at 12:31 AM.

Insomnia can be a terrible problem, but it's not worth losing sleep over.

[Admin]

Man: Doctor, I seem to have sprouted four extra testicles.

Doctor: That's a load of bollocks.

[Mongrel]

Nicked shamelessly from a Seed blog, The worlds funniest five second video (needs sound)

a1Y73sPHKxw

[Amelie]

"What is that sound?" a woman asked at our nature center.

"It's the frogs trilling for a mate," Patti, the naturalist, explained. "We have a pair in the science room. But since they've been together for so long, they no longer sing to each other."

The woman nodded sympathetically, "The trill is gone."

**************


"My father refused to spend money on me as a kid. One time I broke my arm playing football and my father tried to get a free X-ray by taking me down to the airport and making me lie down with the luggage."

**************

An engineer, a physicist, and a statistician were moose hunting in northern Canada. After a short walk through the marshes they spotted a HUGE moose 150 meters away.

The engineer raised his gun and fired at the moose. A puff of dust showed that the bullet landed 3 meters to the right of the moose.

The physicist, realizing that there was a substantial breeze that the engineer did not account for, aimed to the left of the moose and fired. The bullet landed 3 meters to the left of the moose.

The statistician jumped up and down screaming, "We got him! We got him!"

[Araneus]

Q. How many Post-Modern Feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. The introduction of light into a room from a single source is an inherently masculine concept symptomatic of an authoritarian patriarchal society, which leaves no opportunity for superior feminine alternatives whereby objects exchange lighting information through a process of social cooperation and empathy.

[Admin]

Not so much a joke as an observation...

Now that the annual holiday season is almost upon us, what's the odds of Panorama, or similar, doing a programme on airline safety and jumbo jet crashes? :cheesy: They seem to emerge this time every year!!!

And,

What's the odds the French air traffic controllers will have a strike? ::)

[bindeweede]

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) Don't bother, I'll sit in the dark, I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody.

At the beach Mrs. Cohen began yelling at the lifeguard who had just pulled her husband out of the ocean and told her he would start giving him artificial respiration.
"You'll either give my Benny real respiration or nothing!"

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
"I don't like her."


A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a rabbi are discussing what they would like people to say after they die and their bodies are on display in open caskets.

Priest: I would like someone to say "He was a righteous man, an honest man, and very generous."

Minister: I would like someone to say "He was very kind and fair, and he was very good to his parishioners."

Rabbi: I would want someone to say "Look, he's moving."

[bindeweede]

Jewish Lottery Wish

This nice, old Jewish man really wanted to win the lottery. So, one week, he goes to synagogue and he says (good Yiddish accent mandatory), "Oy, Lord of heaven and earth, imagine how much good I could do with ze money I vould vin if I von the lottery! Imagine how much charity I could give! Help me vin the lottery and I will spent ze money wisely!" He doesn't win the lottery.

The next week, he goes to synagogue again and says, "Oh, lord of heaven and earth, you must not have heard me last veek! Imagine how many lives I could make easier with ze money from ze lottery! Help me vin ze lottery!" Once again, he doesn't win.

The third week, he goes to synagogue again and prays in a similar vein. Suddenly, he hears a voice from the heavens: "Help me, help me!"

He says, "Lord of heaven and earth, what can I do to help you?"

"Buy a ticket!"

[Allo Allo]

Married Priests in Catholic Church a Long Time Coming
Prosecutors Want Victim in Courtroom During Murder Trial
Reason for More Bear Sightings: More Bears
Actor Sent to Jail for Not Finishing Sentence
Tiger Woods Play With Own Balls, Nike Says
Fireproof Clothing Factory Burns to Ground
Astronomers See Colorful Gas Clouds Bubble Out of Uranus
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Sex Offender Says Registering Will Hurt His Reputation
Psychics Predict World Didn't End Yesterday
Eye Drops Off Shelf
Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons
Jane Fonda to Teens: Use Head to Avoid Pregnancy
Specialist: Electric Chair Can Be "Extremely Painful"
Child's Stool Great for Use in Garden
Petroleum Jelly Keeps Idle Tools Rust-Free
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Man Tries Armed Robbery with Knife in Gun Store
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Statistics Show Teen Pregnancy Drops Off Significantly After Age 25
Air Board to Study Fast Food Emissions
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing in Killing State
Prisons to Replace Easy Open Locks
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
British Study Finds Less Traffic When Roads Close
Young Marines Make Tasty Christmas Treats
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Grandmother of Eight Makes Hole in One
Hirohito's Body Moved
Hospitals are Sued by Seven Foot Doctors
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While
Complaints About NHL Referees Growing Ugly Air Head Fired
Women's Movement Called More Broad-Based
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Men Recommend More Clubs for Wives

M
:knitter:

[cohen avshalom]

John Jackson -dont you fill :eek3:
you know there are few party very close:party:

:jd::disco: dont you fill dancing-ya
:chainsaw: dont be angry on my

i am just doing hard job :hammock::sunbathing:

cohen avshalom charly
israel/haifa

[blubird]

Why did the bakers hands smell bad ?













Cos he was kneeding a poo :cheesy::cheesy:

[bindeweede]

What's the difference between 2 porcupines and 2 BMWs?

With the porcupines, the pricks are on the outside.

[Allo Allo]

http://www.scepticsa.com/Scepticsa/Sceptic_SA_Home_Page/IMAG001.JPG

[Matt]

After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the f***ing Pope as a chauffeur!!"

[Mojo]

Chico Marx goes to the chemist's.

"Hey", he says, "I wanna deoderant!"

"Certainly", replies the chemist. "Aerosol?"

"No, is for my armapits."

[Zaira]

Amazing! I needed a good laugh. O0

[bindeweede]

Mary and Joseph knocked on the door of the inn, and Joseph said, "Have you a room for the night, please? My wife's baby is due very soon."
The innkeeper, looking suitably concerned, repled, "I'm sorry there is no room. We are always busy at Christmas."

[Allo Allo]

Quote from the Jamaica Gleaner Sunday July 22nd 07

“You need an understanding of chemistry to do biology; also psychics and chemistry are also overlapping subject areas.”

You guys know nothing!;D

[Allo Allo]

This is not exactly a "joke" but I enjoyed it!

STUDY: ACTUAL-DEATH EXPERIENCE MORE COMMON THAN NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE (http://www.principiadiscordia.com/forum/index.php?topic=13525.msg432834#msg432834)
« on: August 05, 2007, 10:12:11 AM »

BRUSSELS, BELGIUM -- A government study has found that "Actual-Death Experiences" are far more common than Near-Death Experiences. According to the results of the study, nearly 11 out of every 10 people will experience an A.D.E. at least once during their lifetime, while only a smaller fraction, 3/10, will experience N.D.E. The study also found that accounts of NDE vary more widely than previously thought, ranging from reports of following a bright light through a tunnel to having sexual encounters with dead celebrities.

It is not immediately clear what an A.D.E. is like, but scientists agree that since N.D.E. is only "nearly" death, Actual-Death Experience must be even better. The scientists were even able to induce A.D.E. in some 25 subjects, finding it easier to induce than N.D.E., but the study group was unable to get reliable reports of A.D.E. As of the time of this article's publication, none of the A.D.E. test subjects have responded to our requests for interviews, and members of their immediate families have been unwilling to comment.

The study is good news for the majority of people on the planet -- in fact, chances are that most of our readers will at some point have the opportunity to experience A.D.E. themselves. Hopefully, some of them will be able to contact our offices or the offices of the ADE Study Group, to help scientists further expand our knowledge of what an A.D.E. is actually like.

[seobeglobal]

Batty Books :cheesy:

DON'T GIVE UP by Percy Vere.

FRENCH OVERPOPULATION by Francis Crowded

THE LOST BET by Henrietta Hat

HOUSE CONSTRUCTION by Bill Jerome Holme

"Speed Reading" By Paige Turner

"The Chinese Paedophile" By Fuk M Yung

"The Inevitable Occurrence" By Sue Nora Layter

"The Largest Bra In The World" By E. Norma Stitz

"The Size Of My Penis" By Mike Oxlong

"Weeds In My Garden" By Dan D. Lyon

"Breakfast Recipes" By Egon Toast

"Cannibalism" By Henrietta Mann

"Harbouring A Chinese Fugitive" By Hu Yu Hai Ding

"Hole In The Mattress" By Mr. Completely

"Premature Children In China" By Tai Nee Bai Bee

"Set Fire To The Taxman" By Bernardette Collector


hahaha, great man, i see you love to tell jokes
please continue doing this.

[bindeweede]

Do I detect a hint of spiced pork and ham here???

[median]

Some of you may have heard this before but it's a classic;)

A boy goes upto his father who is sitting on the sofa, reading his paper
He asks his father
"Dad, what's the difference between theory and reality"

After a few moments thought his father says
"Go and find your mother and ask her if she'll sleep with the milkman for £1000,000. After that, ask your sister if she'd sleep with the paper boy for £1000,000."

Ten minutes later, the boy returns with the answer
"They both said yes but how does that answer my question?"

The father replied "Well son, in theory, we are £2000,000 richer. However, in reality we live with a pair of slappers"

[Amelie]

*sigh*

Well, here's another one. Most likely apocryphal, but cute. :)

What does Love mean?
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?"

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."
Billy - age 4

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
Karl - age 5

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.
My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss"
Emily - age 8

"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."
Elaine-age 5

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."
Mary Ann - age 4

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
Lauren - age 4

[Mojo]

Chico Marx goes to the chemist's.

"Hey", he says, "I wanna deoderant!"

"Certainly", replies the chemist. "Aerosol?"

"No, is for my armapits."

From Respectful Insolence (http://scienceblogs.com/insolence/2007/10/pulling_it_out_of_your_ass.php).

:shocked:

[Lord Muck oGentry]

From Respectful Insolence (http://scienceblogs.com/insolence/2007/10/pulling_it_out_of_your_ass.php).

:shocked:

Pshaw! Saw far worse when I was a monitor at Borstal. When we found 'em in the showers or behind the bikeshed, we took them up to Matron, who put some Vaseline on the pliers.
Or, in the more stubborn cases, gave 'em a brisk pullthrough with a Christmas tree.

[bindeweede]

Did you hear about the dyslexic Devil-worshipper? Decided to sell his Soul to Santa.





[No disrespect to those with dyslexia intended]

[donnygirl]

how do you keep a blonde busy for hours?
scroll down













scroll up

[FarSideOfTheMoon]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee and
a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, “You must be single.”
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?”
The drunk replied, “Cause you’re ugly.”

[seren]

Not a joke, this is really real and made me spit out my coffee.

How'd you fancy taking a class in Feminism from Prof. Hyman at Oglethorpe University?

;D

[Matt]

Not a joke, this is really real and made me spit out my coffee.

How'd you fancy taking a class in Feminism from Prof. Hyman at Oglethorpe University?

;D

Phew! Thank goodness I didn't have my coffee yet.

Being a sceptic I had to check. http://www.oglethorpe.edu/apps/experts_guide/index.asp?cat=Culture

Yup, geniune contender for nominative determinism.

[bindeweede]

Anyone remember the old Ken Dodd joke about aliens.....

"What a beautiful day! What a beautiful day for sticking a cucumber through the Vicar's letterbox, and shouting, "Look out, the martians are coming!"

[bindeweede]

Atheist kittens.


An atheist sees a child out in front of a neighborhood house, with a sign “Adorable kittens — FREE.”

The next day, the atheist notices the child out in front of a neighborhood church with a sign saying: “Adorable Methodist Kittens — FREE.”

A couple of days later, the kid is posted in front of the synagogue with a sign: “Adorable Jewish Kittens — Free.”

So the atheist isn’t that surprised when, the next day the child is in front of her house with a sign promising “Adorable Atheist kittens.”

“Now really,” she tells the child, “they are adorable kittens, but I have a problem with your advertising. I’ve seen your kittens change their religion every day for a week. Why do you think I’ll believe that these are Atheist kittens now, all of a sudden?”

“Well,” said the child, “Now they have their eyes open.”

[ZERO]

• A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:
• Officer: May I see your driver's license?
• Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.
• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
• Biker: Yes, sir.
• Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
• Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
• Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
• Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

[bindeweede]

Q. What's the capital of Iceland?


A. About £3.50.

A few more here. Ya gorra laugh.

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/top-stories/2008/10/16/top-10-credit-crunch-jokes-to-have-you-laughing-all-the-way-to-the-bank-115875-20809797/

[Pebble]

65

66

67

Not sure if attachments work

[Pebble]

A few more:
69

70

71

72

73

[bindeweede]

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/telegraph/multimedia/archive/01408/2205-MATT-web_1408251a.gif

[ZERO]

OK. I got two new year resolutions:

#1 Stop procrastinating.

#2 Finish what I sta

[chaggle]

The brilliant Matt's cartoons should be copied to here every day.

[bindeweede]

http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Guardian/Pix/pictures/2009/5/28/1243492649268/Kipper-Williams-28.05.200-001.jpg

[Imox]

http://www.mts.net/%7Elaynev/Peanuts1967SnoopyDoodles2.gif


I'm a big Snoopy fan.

http://www.veryabc.cn/snoopy/strip/Peanuts.1956/Peanuts%201956%20226.gif

http://www.veryabc.cn/snoopy/strip/Peanuts.1956/Peanuts%201956%20161.gif

http://www.veryabc.cn/snoopy/strip/Peanuts.1956/Peanuts%201956%20181.gif

[bindeweede]

= mc2

I would have completed that joke, but I didn't have the energy.

OOps.:eek3:

[hughcumber]

= mc2

I would have completed that joke, but I didn't have the energy.

OOps.:eek3:




Oi! That was mine! ;)
http://derivationprobability.tumblr.com/post/181896475/mc-squared-i-wouldve-completed-that-joke-but-i

[Harryprice]

Overheard on a train (real life not made up!):

A man is watching his wife and daughter arguing, discussing some important family matter. The man says nothing, leaving it to them. He then turns to a male friend sitting behind and, whispering, sighs: "4000 years of male domination and I was born just 50 years too late."

[bindeweede]

Humphrey goes into a bar, and, in philosophical mood, asks the barman what the difference is between ignorance and apathy.

Barman replies, "I don't bleedin' know, and I don't bleedin' care."

[Solarflair]

My original comment here was supposed to be a joke (kind of) at Bindeweede's expense - but I read it back and swiftly realised that I don't know Bindeweede well enough to get away with it and he / she'd would probably be quite taken aback!

Thought I'd play it safe and delete it! Thanks.

[bindeweede]

Solarflair.

Nope. I'm afraid I just don't get what you were trying to say..:new_year:

Solar, I thought it was great. Please restore it!

Edit. And thanks for giving my user name the 4 "e"s. So many folk just aren't aware of the significance!

[Solarflair]

Humphrey goes into a bar, and, in philosophical mood, asks the barman what the difference is between ignorance and apathy.

Barman replies, "I don't bleedin' know, and I don't bleedin' care."

You know Bindeweede, I didn't find that joke very funny. In fact, I found it extremely unfunny. I'd go as far as to say that I am angered by your utter lack of a sense of humour. Just what kind of person are you?

You swine. You vulgar little maggot. Don't you know that you are pathetic? You worthless bag of filth. I'll bet you couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel. You are a canker. A sore that won't go away. I would rather kiss a lawyer than be seen with you.

You are a fiend and a coward, and you have bad breath. You are degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you exist. I despise everything about you. You are a bloody nardless newbie twit protohominid chromosomally aberrant caricature of a coprophagic cloacal parasitic pond scum and I wish you would go away.

You're a putrescence mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad, a weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon.

You are a bleating fool, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into this world. An insensate, blinking calf, meaningful to nobody, abandoned by the puke-drooling, giggling beasts who sired you and then killed themselves in recognition of what they had done.

I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformity. I spew at the very thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth. And did I mention you smell?

If you aren't an idiot, you made a world-class effort at simulating one. Try to edit your writing of unnecessary material before attempting to impress us with your insight. The evidence that you are a nincompoop will still be available to readers, but they will be able to access it more rapidly.

You snail-skulled little rabbit. Would that a hawk pick you up, drive its beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to fly briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink shame of your ignoble blood. May you choke on the queasy, convulsing nausea of your own trite, foolish beliefs.

You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid, nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won't have sex with you. You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that reality forgot.

And what meaning do you expect your delusionally self-important statements of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have with us? What fantasy do you hold that you would believe that your tiny-fisted tantrums would have more weight than that of a leprous desert rat, spinning rabidly in a circle, waiting for the bite of the snake?

You are a waste of flesh. You are ridiculous and obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a disease, you puerile one-handed slack-jawed drooling meatslapper.

On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of wallpaper. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go.

I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far that even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense that no intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. Your writing has to be a troll. Nothing in our universe can really be this stupid. Perhaps this is some primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid. Some pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics that we know. I'm sorry. I can't go on. This is an epiphany of stupid for me. After this, you may not hear from me again for a while. I don't have enough strength left to deride your ignorant questions and half baked comments about unimportant trivia, or any of the rest of this drivel. Duh.

The only thing worse than your logic is your manners. I have read almost nothing of what you wrote, because, well... it didn't really say anything. Your attempt at constructing a joke was pitiful. I mean, really, stringing together a load of babbling was hardly effective... Maybe later in life, after you have learned to read, write, spell, and count, you will have more success. True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us "normal" people take for granted that everyone has an easy time of mastering. But we sometimes forget that there are "challenged" persons in this world who find these things more difficult. If I had known, that this was your case then I would have never read any of your posts. It just wouldn't have been "right". Sort of like parking in a handicap space. I wish you the best of luck in the emotional and social struggles that seem to be placing such a demand on you.

P.S.: You are hypocritical, greedy, violent, malevolent, vengeful, cowardly, deadly, mendacious, meretricious, loathsome, despicable, belligerent, opportunistic, barratrous, contemptible, criminal, fascistic, bigoted, racist, sexist, avaricious, tasteless, idiotic, brain-damaged, imbecilic, insane, arrogant, deceitful, demented, lame, self-righteous, Byzantine, conspiratorial, satanic, fraudulent, libelous, bilious, splenetic, spastic, ignorant, clueless, illegitimate, harmful, destructive, dumb, evasive, double-talking, devious, revisionist, narrow, manipulative, paternalistic, fundamentalist, dogmatic, idolatrous, unethical, cultic, diseased, suppressive, controlling, restrictive, malignant, deceptive, dim, crazy, weird, dystopic, stifling, uncaring, plantigrade, grim, unsympathetic, jargon-spouting, censorious, secretive, aggressive, mind-numbing, abrasive, poisonous, flagrant, self-destructive, abusive, socially-retarded, puerile, clueless and you have no rhythm.

[Solarflair]

Solarflair.

Nope. I'm afraid I just don't get what you were trying to say..:new_year:

Solar, I thought it was great. Please restore it!

I only wish I could take credit for it! It was a gentleman called Patrick O' Rourke from Manchester on a facebook group last week.

[bindeweede]

Oh, and...
You're a putrescence mass Should that not be "putrescent"?;D;D

[Harryprice]

Oh, and... Should that not be "putrescent"?;D;D

Ha! Skeptical humour!

[bindeweede]

Ha! Skeptical humour!

Skeptical - pedantic - witless? Dunno.

But the idea of skeptical humour is an interesting one. Any definitions offered?

[Croydon Bob]

But the idea of skeptical humour is an interesting one. Any definitions offered?

The jokes in this thread? (other than your Jewish jokes which belong on Icke's forum).

[Pebble]

Skeptical - pedantic - witless? Dunno.

But the idea of skeptical humour is an interesting one. Any definitions offered?

Evidence based punchline!

[davidrodway]

How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb?
only one, but they have to go back fifty times.

How many osteopaths does it take to change a light bulb?
It depends.

Two irish osteopaths talking . Seamus says "Do you find, Paddy, dat when a patient comes in with something wrong , they have something better to make up?"
"No, Seamus, what do yous mean by dat exactly?"
"Well, say theys got a weak biceps muscle and den they gets a stronger bracialis muscle to make up, or say they gets a restricted hip extension and they gets more movement in the spine to make up"
"Oh, I sees what you mean. Yes, I had a pateint like dat the other day - he had a short lower extremity on the right, and a longer lower extremity on left to make up"

[Solarflair]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking put out. The egg mutters to no one in particular, "I guess we answered that question."

[Alex Dennerly]

Mrs. Schrodinger: "Erwin, what have you done to the cat? It looks half dead!"

I damn near wet myself when I heard this one.

[Geograph]

NLPers use both sides of their brain

But the left side has nothing right and the right has nothing left

[hughcumber]

Higgs Bosun: The pirate particle.

Just had a pretend out building built. It’s a placebo gazebo.

I went to a mathematical lap dancing club last night and saw a Mobius strip.

I came first in an alchemy race and got the lead medal.

I went to the British False memory Society today. I think.

The people behind the large hadron collider have been arrested for fraud. It has been described as a con cern.

Dark matter is for WIMPs.

I took a Rorschach test and saw Tony Hart’s life flash before me.

I’m leaving my geneticist girlfriend. She keeps trying to change me.

My osteopath keeps getting me to buy him presents. I think he’s manipulating me.

Thank you and goodnight!

[oanadoledo]

Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

[polomint38]

Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

I believe this used to be an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman joke. O0

Apparently 1 is sensible, 1 a tight-fisted alcoholic and the other a stupid alcoholic. >:-)

[davidrodway]

an englishman, a scotsman and an irishman walk into a bar. the barman looks up and says - what is this? some kind of bloody joke?

why is tiger woods like a seal?
they both get clubbed by scandinavians.

[bindeweede]

Dire Straits and Chris Rea are joining forces to form a new group.

Several possibilities, I think. But you will get the drift...

[Unashamedly nicked for "Thinkhumanism".]

[Marmite_Man]

Homeopathy joke

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3358/3428145260_137850a3f0.jpg

[davidrodway]

http://www.youtube.com/user/tanuck549
hilarious piss take of merthyr tydfil

[bindeweede]

What's the difference between the BNP and a bus?





A bus has seats.

[ChompChomp]

Totally believable ::)

HMGIbOGu8q0 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HMGIbOGu8q0)

[PaulW99]

Totally believable ::)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HMGIbOGu8q0

^ Homeopathy A&E - Mitchell & Webb

That is excellent!

[Admin]

Totally believable ::)

Oi, what are you doing on my forum spreading your skeptical nonsense?

I'll be 'avin' a word' with you later. >:-)

[ChompChomp]

^-^ obviously you thought better of it !

[Rose]

When a live sex show opens up in a small theatre just outside the Vatican, Pope the Polack is furious. He gets together Cardinal Catsass, and a flock of bishops, and they go to watch the show to see if it would be harmful for good Catholics to view it. Coming out of the theatre an hour later, Pope the Polack and his crew all agree that it is a terrible, filthy show, and completely unsuitable as entertainment for Catholics. They are marching back to the Vatican, when suddenly Pope the Polack stops in his tracks.
”I have to go back!” he cries. ”I have forgotten my hat.”
”No you haven’t,” points out Cardinal Cats-ass, ”it is hanging in your lap!”

[bindeweede]

How many Scientologists does it take to change a light bulb?

For $5000 you can attend an introductory light-bulb changing seminar.
There you will learn that you have been changing light bulbs the
wrong way. Future, pricier seminars will teach you the right way.

[bindeweede]

I came across this, and thought it rather good.


Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower & Jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 & Cricket 3.0.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail.

What can I do...??

Signed,
Desperate

-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Try entering the command: C:/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0.
If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, over-use of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5; Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1....!!!

WARNING:
Beer 6.1 is a very nasty programme that will create Snoring-loudly.zzz and Wind 3.0.

CAUTION:
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great programme, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance...

I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support

[Tony Williams]

I came across this, and thought it rather good.
;D

[bindeweede]

A car full of engineers breaks down. The mechanical engineer says, "Open the bonnet, I'll check the engine to see if we have compression ". The electrical engineer says, "I'll check the wiring, to see if the ignition is working". The chemical engineer says, "I'll check the fuelling system". The computer engineer says, "Lets try all getting out of the car and getting back in again......"

[bindeweede]

Image of a piece of toast seen on face of the Virgin Mary.

Not a joke as such, but...................

http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2007/12/30/image-of-a-piece-of-toast-seen-on-face-of-the-virgin-mary/

[alganbagerap]

Also not a joke as such..........
http://www.27bslash6.com/easter.html

[bindeweede]

Dental humour.

Q: Why did the student of Eastern Philosophy refuse an anaesthetic for his filling?

A: He was trying to transcend dental medication.

>:-)

[Tony Williams]

Some people at a Mensa conference (minimum IQ 140) were in a cafe when one of them set the challenge of exchanging the contents of the salt and pepper containers with the tools available on the table. After much debate concerning the best methodology they eventually agreed on a complex process involving napkins, straws, etc and managed to achieve it.

Feeling pleased with their cleverness, they called over the rather dopey-looking waitress and pointed out to her that the salt was in the pepper pot and vice versa.

"Oh, sorry," she said.......and removed the container tops and swapped them over.

[Solarflair]

http://www.thaindian.com/newsportal/odd-news/russian-man-jailed-for-assaulting-fortune-teller-who-predicted-he-would-go-to-jail_100409679.html

No wonder she managed to escape.

[polomint38]

http://www.thaindian.com/newsportal/odd-news/russian-man-jailed-for-assaulting-fortune-teller-who-predicted-he-would-go-to-jail_100409679.html

No wonder she managed to escape.

If she can repeat this then I think the JREF would need t get it's $1m ready. ::)

[bindeweede]

An engineer, a scientist, a mathematician, and a philosopher are hiking through the hills of Scotland, when they see a lone black sheep in a field.

The engineer says, "What do you know, it looks like the sheep around here are black." The scientist looks at him skeptically and replies, "Well, at least some of them are." The mathematician considers this for a moment and replies, "Well, at least one of them is." Then the philosopher turns to them and says, "Well, at least on one side."

:ponder:

[bindeweede]

There once was a king who lived in a two-storey grass hut. Every holiday the king demanded to be given a new throne as a gift. As soon as a new throne arrived, he would store the old throne on the second level of his hut and use the new one instead. But one day the hut collapsed from the weight of all the thrones, and everyone was crushed and killed.

The moral of this story? People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

:eek3:

[Admin]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a paper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" The duck asks again. "With the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says...

"What the feck would they want with a plasterer?"

[bindeweede]

A homeless person comes up to the front door of a smart looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the homeless person asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."

The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal."

So the homeless person goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in."

The homeless man says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW."

:huh:

[bindeweede]

Why God never got a PhD
-----------------------

He had only one major publication.
It was written in Aramaic, not in English.
It has no references.
It wasn't even published in a refereed journal.
There are serious doubts he wrote it himself.
It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
The Scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
He unlawfully performed not only Animal, but *Human* testing.
When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.
When the subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
He rarely came to lectures, just told his students to read the book.
Some say he had his son to teach the class.
He expelled his first two students for learning.
Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed the tests.
His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

[bindeweede]

A woman goes to the vet and told him that something was wrong with her dog. The vet examines the animal and explains to the woman that her dog has died.

"I don't believe you", she said, "I'd like a second opinion". The vet said that would be fine and he goes into the other room and gets a cat. The vet puts the cat up on the table with the dog. The cat sniffs the dog and jumps down. The vet then goes and gets a black Labrador, he puts him on the table and the Labrador sniffs the dog and then jumps down.

The vet tells the lady again, "I'm sorry, but your dog is definitely dead. That will be £600 for the exam."

"£600! That's ridiculous", says the woman, "What are the charges for?" she exclaimed.

"£600 is a bargain", the vet explained, "£50 for me and only £550 for the cat scan and lab work.":eek3: