Break Time!

[Zaira]

Jokes Are Good For Your Health

Recent researches suggest that laughter influences more than our mental framework, it actually has a positive effect on the physical aspect as well. It has been widely accepted, for some time, that laughter increases the pain resistance level, but the theory is still not proven. In fact, very few studies have yet been made about the relation between comedy and health, but those existing seem to indicate that a good joke may lower the blood pressure, improve memory and cognitive functions and boost the immune system.

[Zaira]

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach in Miami .

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have
boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why. She
tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is."

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns
to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad
does.

She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is." Again
satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells his
mother:

Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he
talks, the dumber he gets."

[Zaira]

A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: That the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued...and won! In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the Insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

[Zaira]

Recently, at a theological meeting in Rome, scholars had a heated debate on the subject of the ethnicity and nationality of Jesus. One by one they offered their evidence:

Jesus was...

Recently, at a theological meeting in Rome, scholars had a heated debate on the subject of the ethnicity and nationality of Jesus. One by one they offered their evidence -

Jesus was Mexican -

His name was Jesus
He was bilingual
He was always being harassed by the authorities

But then there were equally good arguments that...

Jesus was black -

He called everyone "brother"
He liked Gospel
He couldn't get a fair trial

But then there were equally good arguments that...

Jesus was Jewish -

He went into his father's business
He lived at home until he was 33
He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God

But then there were equally good arguments that...

Jesus was Italian -

He talked with his hands
He had wine with every meal
He used olive oil

But then there were equally good arguments that...

Jesus was Californian -

He never cut his hair
He walked around barefoot
He started a new religion

But then there were equally good arguments that...

Jesus was Irish -

He never got married
He was always telling stories
He loved green pastures

But perhaps the most compelling evidence...

Jesus was a woman -

She fed a crowd at a moment's notice
Men didn't understand her
Even when dead, she arose to complete her work

[Zaira]

The Seamstress

One day, a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river and her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked,
"My dear child, why are you crying?"
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped his hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked again.
The seamstress replied, "No"
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "YES."
The lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep and the seamstress went home happy. Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the same riverbank and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson.
"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the seamstress.
The lord was furious. "YOU LIED! That is untrue!
The seamstress replied, "Oh! Forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise.Then, if I said 'No' to him, you would have come up with my husband and had I then said 'yes' you would have given me all three.
Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care
of all three husbands, so that's why I said 'yes' to Mel Gibson."
The moral of this story is:

WHENEVER A WOMAN LIES, IT'S FOR A GOOD AND

HONOURABLE REASON AND IN THE BEST INTEREST OF OTHERS.

THAT'S OUR STORY,

AND WE'RE STICKING TO IT.

[Zaira]

Proud To Be British

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of
all things foreign! Only in Britain can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in Britain do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. Only in Britain do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.
Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters. Only in Britain do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage. Only in Britain do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have
call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

NOT TO MENTION..

3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery
works on their tongue.

142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing
all pins from new shirts.

58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp
knives instead of screwdrivers

31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their
Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing
that Christmas decorations were chocolate.
British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last
year after Xmas cracker-pulling accidents.

18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a
new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the
last two years after trying to open bottles of beer with their teeth.

5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control Scalextric cars.

And finally...

In 2000 eight Brits were admitted to hospital with fractured skulls incurred whilst throwing up into the toilet.

[bindeweede]

Proud To Be British


Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of
all things foreign! Only in Britain can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in Britain do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. Only in Britain do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.
Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters. Only in Britain do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage. Only in Britain do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have
call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.


NOT TO MENTION..


3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery
works on their tongue.


142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing
all pins from new shirts.


58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp
knives instead of screwdrivers


31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their
Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.


19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing
that Christmas decorations were chocolate.
British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last
year after Xmas cracker-pulling accidents.


18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a
new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the
last two years after trying to open bottles of beer with their teeth.


5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control Scalextric cars.


And finally...


In 2000 eight Brits were admitted to hospital with fractured skulls incurred whilst throwing up into the toilet.
Luvvly Jubbly!
Can you find out how proud the French are to be French?
Actually, I think we all know the answer already.;)

[Matt]

Thanks for that Zaira but...

grabbing an Indian curry Curry is most definately British, try getting one in india.

Only in Britain do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
No British Pharmacist I know sells cigarettes. Occasionally a supermarket will have an instore pharmacist but this is surely more typical of the USA and their "drugstores"


And that's enough pointless pedantry from me for this time in the morning ;-)

[Cuddles]

58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers

I'll just stand around whistling innocently shall I?

[Zaira]

"No British Pharmacist I know sells cigarettes. Occasionally a supermarket will have an instore pharmacist but this is surely more typical of the USA and their "drugstores""

No. British supermarkets have the pharmacy up the back of the store and the cigarettes counter just as you go in the front door.

[Zaira]

"I'll just stand around whistling innocently shall I?"

Me too. :smiley:

[Mongrel]

Thanks for that Zaira but...
Curry is most definately British, try getting one in india.

No British Pharmacist I know sells cigarettes. Occasionally a supermarket will have an instore pharmacist but this is surely more typical of the USA and their "drugstores"


And that's enough pointless pedantry from me for this time in the morning ;-)

British Pharmacies used to sell tobacco goods up until the early-mid '70s ;)

Also many of the large supermarket chains are deploying Pharmacies in their stores; Asda, Tesco, Sainsburys and Morrisons all have pharmacies in their larger stores with plans to expand the services.

[Zaira]

Nuns on Bikes - Mother Superior is sitting quietly in the convent garden when her prayers are interrupted by a heated argument between two nuns. She listens for a few minutes, but when it becomes apparent that they won't come to their own solution she closes her book and walks over to them. "I've heard enough!" she snaps. "Sister Mary, you may have the bicycle Tuesday and Thursday mornings from nine to noon. Sister Catherine, you may have the bicycle Monday and Wednesday afternoons from one to four. Now not another word or I'll put the seat back on!"


~~~~~~~


Three nuns were on their way back to the convent when who should jump out on them but a vampire, the Mother Superior thought for a moment then said to the two others “watch this” and she held up the bible, the vampire took a step back however it had no effect, the second nun rummaged in her habit and found a bottle of holy water which she tossed at the vampire, the water did nothing by now the Mother Superior was getting worried “I know” she said “Sister Maria show him your cross” sister Maria stood in front of the Vampire kicked him in the nuts and said “F*uck off”.


~~~~~~~

A husband asks his wife, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?" "After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship." "If I died and you remarried," the husband asks, "would he live in this house?" "We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess he would." "If I died and you remarried, and he lived in this house," the husband asks, "would he sleep in our bed?" "Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess he would." "If I died and you remarried, and he lived in this house and slept in our bed, would he use my golf clubs?" "Oh, no!" the wife replies. "He's left-handed!"

[Zaira]

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request. A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!". Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in his varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord!" A bit p*ssed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band, around the B flat minor chord, and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise. The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord!" Well and truly angry that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie says to him from the stage "OK, smart-ass. You get up here and do it!" The little old man climbs up onto the stage......... takes hold of the mike and starts to sing......... "A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

[Zaira]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. Thinking nothing of it, the man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before. Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you okay?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you. I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before," he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded. "Pepper"

[Zaira]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin , orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America , the other in Australia , and I'm here in Dublin When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. It's me..."

"...I've quit drinking!"

[Matt]

British Pharmacies used to sell tobacco goods up until the early-mid '70s ;)

Also many of the large supermarket chains are deploying Pharmacies in their stores; Asda, Tesco, Sainsburys and Morrisons all have pharmacies in their larger stores with plans to expand the services.

The fact that some pharmacies exist within supermarkets is rather irrelevent when this is not the typical pharmacy. Furthermore of three supermarket pharmacies that I'm familar with one is right at the front before even the cigarettes.

However my point was only partially that it simply isn't true or typical but that the "Only in Britain" bit is rather ironic as it seems to have been converted from an "only in America joke"

http://www.waynesthisandthat.com/america.htm

This being particularly brought to light by the differences between UK pharmacist and US drugstores.

Never mind I guess I just shouldn't post before I've had my coffee ;-)

[Zaira]

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00 only on one condition..." Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20.00 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and whispered.... "Clean my house."


A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it", he said. The wife watched as her husband read the card; he turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."


John was lying in the hospital bed, and the student nurse heard him feebly calling out "Nurse, are my testicles black?" She was a little embarrassed, but pulled back the sheets, gingerly, she lifted his old chap out of the way and closely examined his balls. "No, John, they're not!" A little while later, John called out again "Nurse". The student nurse was still blushing from her experience, so fetched the sister, "John wants to know if his testicles are black" The sister professionally donned her rubber gloves, and ignoring John's still feeble mutterings, threw back the sheets, flicked his penis out of the way and prodded and poked at his scrotum. No, John, they're not!" Some time later, John called out to the nurse again. The male nurse went to his bed to see what John wanted. John forced himself to sit up in bed, and in the strongest voice he could muster asked "are my test results back?"


A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."
"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."

[Zaira]

Things My Mother Taught Me...

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.

"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to come crying to me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.

"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.

"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.

"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand. "

And my favourite:

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!!!!!

[Zaira]

Diary Of A Snow Shoveller ......

December 8: 6:00 PM.
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow! .....

December 9:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shovelled for the first time in years, felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplough came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life. ......

December 12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbour tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbour. ......

December 14:
Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shovelling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplough came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shovelling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so. .....

December 15:
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly We aren't in Alaska, after all. ......

December 16:
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel. ......

December 17:
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room. ......

December 20:
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shovelling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplough came by twice. Tried to find a neighbour kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower, and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying. ......

December 22:
Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt 'till August Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel! Tried to hire Bob, who has a plough on his truck, for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying. ......

December 23: Only 2" of snow today, and it warmed up to "0". The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's lying. ......

December 24:
6". Snow packed so hard by snowplough, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch who drives that snowplough, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over everywhere I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the Goddamn snowplough. ......

December 25:
Merry F!=3D@x@!x!x1 Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shovelling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplough driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave. ......

December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves. ......

December 27:
Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze. Plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes. ......

December 28:
Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!!! .......

December 29:
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am? ......

December 30:
Roof caved in. I beat up the snowplough driver. He is now suing me for a million dollars; not for only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted. ......

December 31:
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shovelling. ......

January 8:
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me Why am I tied to the bed?

[Zaira]

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the b*stard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you got laid.

4. When you are scared -- I will take the p*ss out of you about it, every chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whinging.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- stay away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end.

"Why?" you may ask; "because you are my friend".

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

[Zaira]

Dear Technical Support.

Last year I upgraded from boyfriend 5.0 to husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery application, which operated flawlessly under boyfriend 5.0 ...

In addition, husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs such as, romance 9.5 and personal attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as; football 5.0, rugby 4.3 and cricket 3.0. conversation 8.0 no longer runs, it simply crashes the system. ...

I've tried running nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Signed Desperate. ..................

.................................................. ...............


Dear Desperate.

First keep in mind, boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try entering the command, c:/I THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME to download tears 6.2, which should automatically install guilt 3.0 if that application works as designed, husband 1.0 should then automatically run the application jewellery 2.0 and flowers 3.5. ...

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause husband 1.0 to default to grumpy silence 2.5, happy hour 7.0 or beer 6.1. ..

WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create snoring loudly. ..
CAUTION: Whatever you do, do not install mother-in-law .

This is not a support application and will crash husband 1.0. ..

In summary, husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

I personally recommend hot food 3.0 and lingerie 7.7. ..

Good Luck Technical Support

[Zaira]

It's Tough Leading A Spiritual Life!

I was having an out-of-body experience and almost astral-travelled away yesterday, so I grounded myself and got cantered with the help of my spirit guides and then the phone rang, and sensing the negative vibrations, I threw the I-Ching and checked my numerology chart and nearly had a primal, but my energy was too blocked.

So I did some bio-energetics and self-parenting, took some flower essences and ate an organic oat bran ginseng muffin but my inner child wasn't feeling nurtured yet so I had a Rice Dream 'Frozen Pie' too, but that made me hyper so I did the relaxation response technique I had just learned at the Self Healing Angst Tree Defoliating Centre while listening to my subliminal tapes.

But that left me feeling depersonalized so I did some polarity work, foot reflexology and past life regression, then re-birthed myself and called Moon Beam, my body worker, to make an appointment for a Shiatsu/ Reike/ Rolfing/ Feldenkreis/ Swedish/ Japanese deep tissue massage, but she flaked out and never returned my call, so I decided to energize my crystals and do some positive imagery because all my visualization techniques and affirmations made my space feel invaded.

So to get empowered, I got a psychic reading from Mother Heart Love around the issue of my assertiveness so I could feel my radiance and have some energy for my psycho callisthenics and inversion swing before my harmonic brain wave synergy session. This made me more focused for my actualization seminar, holistic healing class and dream workshop, which in turn, made me clearer for my Gestalt behavioural cognitive transpersonal Rechian-Jungian- Freudian-Ericksonian session at the hot springs, but my aura was too weak for my trance channelling group, so I fasted until noon to recharge my chakras.

At that point, I sensed my intuition was high and my cycle was focused, so I turned on my ion generator to open up my Neural Linguistic Programming session. But I needed to have my pyramid recharged before my guided synchronicity meditation, so I got some craniosacral therapy, which aligned me for the fire walk between my tarot card reading and my sensory deprivation tank appointment.

But even after all that, I felt what I truly needed was a meaningful relationship to mirror myself so I went to my personal shaman, and then to my guru, but they were no help, so instead I went to the Intensive Whole Life Earth Rebirth Cosmic Expo Symposium Workshop to find someone who really knew what was going on, but that didn't work either, so I locked myself in a calcium coated Orgone Box and went to sleep so I could "get it" in the dream state.

All was lost until I had a colour aromatherapy treatment and then had Tantric sex with my soul mate who taught me the technique of creating abundance with my sacred space.


None of it really worked for me, so I rolled a big fat stoggy, got stoned, drank a half a bottle of Cabernet and ate a carton of Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Chip Cookie Ice Cream -- and boy did I feel right with the world!

I tell ya, it's tough leading a spiritual life!

[Zaira]

I created this for my blogg.
It was just for fun and for entertainment purposes only.
Created from a list of one-liners.

No psychics were involved in the creation of this Love Oracle.


Welcome To The Love Oracle ~
The Love Oracle has a message for you

Think of the one you love ~
Now choose a number 1 - 25 and read the oracle's message


1) You deserve love and respect.

2) Trust that loved ones are doing their best.

3) Ask for what you want they can only say no.

4) Discard outmoded beliefs and relationships.

5) The only person you can really rely on is yourself.

6) Even big plans must be worked out in small steps.

7) There are lessons to be learned in every relationship.

8) Staying calm and discussing things quietly will get results.

9) Contributing to the happiness of others will make you happier.

10) Cultivate more peace and harmony in your life and get happier results.

11) You can trust your instincts and intuition because they are a part of you.

12) Some part of you knows what is best for you - listen to your inner voice.

13) Accept that you may be alone from time to time but it doesn't mean you are lonely.

14) Focus on being thankful for what you have, rather than complaining about what you don't have.

15) Release all feelings of jealousy and envy toward others, opening your heart to all good things.

16) Practise random acts of kindness and watch the people around you become kinder and gentler.

17) Trust loved ones to know what is best for them and ask them to trust that you know what is best for you.

18) Try to forgive everyone who hurt and upset you - you hurt no one but yourself by holding onto that garbage.

19) Trust that you are in the right seat for you and that everything is unfolding as it should at this moment in time.

20) Don't judge others too harshly, they are acting out of old beliefs and past experiences that they may need to let go of.

21) Unless they are mind readers, you need to tell then how you feel, how much you love them, and what you want out of the relationship.

22) If faced with an annoying situation, respond with a smile - people respond more positively to kind words than they do to angry words.

23) Treat yourself and your loved ones with kindness and understanding - everyone makes mistakes and everyone has their own lessons to learn.

24) Once you have chosen to love someone love them unconditionally expecting nothing in return. And if it should end don't despair just be glad that they were there.

25) Relationships need to be worked at. If you plan to go with the flow and see what develops then don't be surprised if your relationship flows right out of the door.

[Zaira]

I created this for my blogg.
It was just for fun and for entertainment purposes only.
Created from a list of one-liners.

No psychics were involved in the creation of this Love Oracle.

The Oracle for entertainment only.


Welcome To - The Oracle

The Oracle has a message for you.

Only use The Oracle when seeking an answer.

Think about your question and then choose a number 1 - 50.
Now read the oracle's answer to your question.


1) Embrace Your Dreams

2) There Can be No Turning Back

3) Don't Be Sorry Be Smarter

4) Rise Above The Drama

5) Least Said Soonest Mended

6) That Which We Resist We Retain

7) Look At Life From The Inside Out

8) Refuse To Take Life Too Seriously

9) Absence Makes The Heart Forget

10) Most Of What Seems Serious Isn't

11) Never Mistake Motion For Action

12) Respect Is Earned Not Demanded

13) Fortune And Love Befriend The Bold

14) Your Worst Battles Are With Yourself

15) The Best Guidelines Are In Your Head

16) Cultivate The Art Of Positive Thinking

17) Let Go And Allow The Future To Unfold

18) You Are The Architect Of Your Own Life

19) Anything Feeble Will Simply Crumble

20) Necessity Never Made A Good Bargain

21) Trust Your Bodies Ability To Heal Itself

22) Stay Strong And Stay Above The Battles

23) Good Health Is Often About Prevention

24) A Word To The Wise Is Usually Sufficient

25) Away With Hang Ups And Half Measures

26) Don't Speak About Them - Speak To Them

27) Eighty Percent Of Success Is Showing Up

28) Let Go Of Outdated Beliefs And Concepts

29) You Can't Change The Past Only Accept It

30) Smart People Learn From Their Mistakes

31) Even A Stopped Clock Is Right Twice A Day

32) The Necessary Changes Make Themselves

33) Continue To Carve Your Own Unique Path

34) Act As If You Are In Control Until You Are

35) The Source Of Miracles Is A Changed Mind

36) No Man Is Ever Old Enough To Know Better

37) Action Makes More Fortunes Than Caution

38) Hurtful Words Are Very Hard To Take Back

39) You Have The Ability To Re-Shape Your Life

40) There Is Nothing But Thinking Makes It So

41) There Is More Than One Side To Every Story

42) You Need No One's Approval But Your Own

43) Take A Closer Look At How Things Really Are

44) The Only Way To Have A Friend Is To Be One

45) Every Exit Is An Entry Someplace Else

46) Deal Positively With Unfamiliar Feelings

47) The Truth Varies With Each Individual

48) A Moment's Thinking Is An Hour In Words

49) A Positive Attitude Attracts Positive Results

50) Chance Favours The Prepared Mind

[Zaira]

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're Staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.

He's So familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs:

"My God, it's Jesus!"

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the Three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking Him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement "My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.

"Strewth mate, the bad Back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle."

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who knocks over a chair and a Table in trying to get away from the Son of God.

"What's wrong my son?" says Jesus. The Scouser shouts,

"P**S off, I'm on disability benefit!"

[Zaira]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs!

Put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.

He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a Ginger Tom Cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot.

The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill, "£150!" she cried. "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan it's now £150.00.

[Zaira]

One night a burglar is trying to break into a house.

He's sneaking across the lawn when he hears a voice - "Jesus is watching you!"
He jumps, turns around, but he doesn't see anything.

So he starts creeping across the lawn again.

"Jesus is watching you!" He hears it again.

So now the burglar is really looking around, and he sees a parrot in a cage by the side of the house.

He says to the parrot, "Did you say that?"

The parrot answers "Yes I did."

So the burglar asks, "What's your name?"

The parrot says "Clarence."

The burglar says "What kind of stupid idiot would name his parrot Clarence?"
The parrot laughs and says, "The same stupid idiot that named his Rottweiler 'Jesus' "

[Zaira]

This is funny!

CAUTION: Be prepared to laugh out loud... I laughed till I almost cried.

Wax Is Not Your Friend -

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet. " So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits.

No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!) So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!

Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drumsHuh Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hairHuh WHERE IS THE WAXHuh Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. d**n!!!!!!!!

I hear the slamming of a cell door. *hoo-hoo*? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, rightHuh WRONG!!!!!!!

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter. "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or who-ha?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!!

Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace.... the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the thingyens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, I but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!"

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....

THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point. Next week I'm going to try hair color......

[Zaira]

Blonde Jokes -

Q. How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A. Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Q. How do you confuse a blonde?
A. You can't, they have always been like that.

Q. A blonde is going to London on a plane. How can you steal her window seat?
A. Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

Q. What do twenty blondes standing ear to ear make?
A. A wind tunnel.

Q. How do you confuse a blonde?
A. Put them in a round room and tell them to sit in the corner.

Q. How does a blonde try to kill a fish?
A. She drowns it.

Q. How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A. Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

Q. What did the blonde's left leg say to her right leg?
A. Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.

Q. How does a blonde part their hair?
A. By doing the splits.

Q. What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg?
A. Nothing, they haven't met!

Q. Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A. Because that's where your supposed to wash vegetables.

Q. What's a blondes favorite nursery rhyme?
A. Humpme Dumpme

Q. Why did the blonde like the car with a sunroof?
A. More leg-room!

Q. Why don't blondes use vibrators?
A. They chip their teeth.

Q. How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
A. Fertilized

Q. Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A. More headroom

Q. Why is a blonde like a doorknob?
A. Because everyone gets a turn.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A. You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.

Q. What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A. The more you bang it, the looser it gets!

Q. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A. Frosted Flakes

Q. What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A. An airbag.

Q. How can you tell a blonde has had a bad day?
A. She has a tampon tucked under her ear and she can't find her pencil.

Q. What does the Bermuda Triangle and a blonde have in common?
A. They both swallowed a lot of semen.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A. Its difficult to open the legs on an ironing board.

Q. How did the blonde burn her nose?
A. Bobbing for chips.

Q. What do you call a zit on a blondes ass?
A. Brain tumor.

Q. Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom?
A. So she can have a doggie bag for later.

Q. How would a blonde punctuate the following: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry"
A. Fun period fun period fun no period worry worry worry....

Q. What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?
A. "Way to go team!"

Q. What do you call a blonde with a runny nose?
A. FULL

Q. What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A. She slipped off and fell down the drain.

Q. Why did the deaf blonde sit on the newspaper?
A. So she could lip read.

Q. Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A. You get to park in the handicap zone.

Q. What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A. Pregnant.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?
A. Not everyone has been in a 747.

Q. What's the difference between butter and a blonde?
A. Butter is difficult to spread.

Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A. Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q. What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette?
A. Artificial intelligence.

Q. What do you call a blonde standing on her head?
A. A brunette with bad breath.

Q. What do blondes and cow poop have in common?
A. The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

Q. How does a blond turn on the light after sex?
A. She opens the car door.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A. When you smack the mosquito it stops sucking!!

Q. What does a blonde say when you ask her what the last two words of the national anthem are?
A. Play ball!

Q. What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common?
A. You always hear about them but never see them.

Q. Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
A. Cause it said concentrate.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and the Titanic?
A. They know how many went down on the Titanic.

Q. How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?
A. The joystick is wet.

Q. Why do blondes wear underwear?
A. To keep their ankles warm.

Q. What is a brunette between two blondes?
A. An interpreter.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A. The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.

Q. Did you hear about the blonde that needed gas money?
A. She sold her car for it...

Q. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A. "Are you sure it's mine?"

Q. Why do blondes have bruised belly buttons?
A. Because they have blond boyfriends

Q. What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
A. Their both empty from the neck up

Q. What do you call a blonde with pig tails?
A. A blow job with handlebars

Q. What do you call a blond with a brain?
A. A golden retriever.

Q. What do you call a blonde in the closet?
A. The 1984 hide and go seek champion.

Q. How can you tell that a blonde sent you a fax?
A. It has a stamp on it.

Q. What do you call a room full of blondes with PMS and yeast infections?
A. A wine and cheese party!

Q. How do you drown a blonde?
A. Put a scratch 'n sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.

Q. Hear about the blonde that bought an AM radio?
A. It took her a month to figure out she could play it at night too.

Q. What did the blonde say when she saw the banana peel on the floor?
A. Oh no, I'm going to fall again!

[Zaira]

I hope you don't find this offencive.
I just found it really funny.

Beware The Dyson....

My bedroom is a converted attic accessed by retractable metal ladders.
I fought my brother for this room at the young age of 12, and being the eldest it really was no contest.

You see at this young age I had already foreseen the benefits of being able to pull the ladders up and shut myself away from the world.

Actually, if I may take this chance to say a few things.

My 15,16,17 and 18 year old would like to thank my 12 yr self for providing the freedom to masturbate at will.

My 19, 20, 21, and 22-year-old self, thank my 12-year-old self for giving me the freedom to shag girlfriends in a fully occupied house.

My 23 yr old self however is less greatful and would have no qualms about kicking my 12 yr old self in his pre pubescent nutsack.....and ill tell you why.

Years of striding down my ladders have resulted in a certain degree of schoolboy arrogance and blatant showboating on my part.
4 steps at a time, no hands, 360 degree turns in mid descent, were some of my more daring moves.

I have managed to navigate these ladders in all states of drunkenness, with a broken foot, carrying crates of beer; fuck I could have probably juggled while hopping backwards on these ladders, until the fateful day.

On those ladders, gravity was my bitch.

However this particular morning, Gravity it seemed, was in no mood to be taunted, and had conspired with dyson to teach my sorry disrespectful ass a lesson... quite literally.

It was a Saturday morning. I woke up fluffy haired and blurry eyed following a heavy night out on the town. I had a football match in 1 hrs time and was faced with what has now become a weekly task of playing 90 minutes hung-over, I take my football very seriously.

The awakening of my bladder dictated that the bathroom would be the first stop of the day and thus urged me towards the ladders for the trusty standard 2-step descent with speed.

I'd made this journey many times, 5 strides and I would be on my hallway.

The first 3 strides were uneventful,

The 4th stride un fucking forgettable,

There was no 5th stride,

For at this point, I was almost raped by a dyson.

If I needed any further clarification that inserting anything up my ass was not going to be a suitable lifestyle choice then this was it.

The speed that I was travelling coupled with the all too perfect positioning
of the vacuum cleaner meant that the attempted anal entry was fast and brutal. (Seriously, I reconstructed the scene many times after and there was only one position the dyson could have been sitting at to enter me with the precision it did that morning)

In hindsight, the lack of lubricant, and my heterosexuality saved me.

Any previous tampering with my asshole, KY jell, vaseline, or spittle on that handle and that fucking dyson would have gone so far up my ass I would have been able to wash dishes and vacuum at the same time, if in fact I actually did either.

Such was the ferocity of the assault, man-made materials were no defence for this custom-built ass raping machine masquerading as a household appliance.
The shaft of the dyson tore right through my combats and my homer simpson boxer shorts, finally meeting its resting place in the shape of my tailbone.

The pain was like nothing I've ever experienced.

Let me take this opportunity to tell you what I have learnt about my body's natural defence mechanism to different forms of pain over the years

Punch on the head = Punch the fucker back
Punch in the stomach = same as above
Kick in the nuts = drop to the floor

To this I can now add,

Vacuum cleaner up the ass = run like fuck with minor terets

This was the first type of pain that my body has ever told me to fucking move, and move fast. Not in any particular direction or to any specific location, just to keep running. Kind of like forest gump.
The desire to run like fuck was accompanied with the desire to swear, and swear continuously.

So I did.

I sprinted down the stairs and must have ran round my kitchen a good 15 times clutching my ass shouting expletives at the dyson

"HOLY GOOD FUCCKKKK!!!, YOU FU**** DUST SUCKING BAGLESS BAS****!"

This was followed by a continual stream of swear words.

As I rounded on what would be my last lap of the kitchen, I found myself slightly impressed with my ability to formulate incoherent sentences purely with swear words.

This brief sense of pride however was quickly overshadowed by the realisation of what had just happened to me

I'd just been anally assaulted by my dyson.

My experience undoubtedly has emotionally scarred me.

You will never now see me descend ladders without a thorough initial scan of the area below, accompanied by a tentative outstretched hand feeling around for any object potentially obstructing my landing area.

You also will never see me do any housework.
Everyday is a struggle, but I have to be strong.

What kind of example would I be setting to the rest of the household appliances? That its ok to sexually assault the occupant and then carry on as if nothing had happened?

There have been times when I've come close to using the toaster, emptying the dishwasher, or clean up the beer id spilt, but you'll be pleased to know these near lapses have only reinforced my determination to never to lift in a finger to help in the house.

I take your applause people.

To Mr Dyson I say this,

You've managed to pay millions to remove the troublesome bags from hoovers, and thus prolong the suction, but would it have really have hurt you to go the extra mile and maybe have foam padding on the handles dipshit?

Surely no other man should have to endure the hell having to watch their mother/partner near collapse lifting a vacuum cleaner up 3 flights of stairs.

To confused teenage boys I say this,

If you think you stare just that little bit too long in the communal changing rooms at your male school chums, go squat on a dyson.
Years of hormonal based confusion answered in a painful/gratifying second. (Delete as appropriate)

Beware the Dyson.

[mattsm8]

Lol am I the only one enjoying these jokes? Thanks Zaira you're a legend ;D;D;D

[Zaira]

mattsm8,

533 views!!?

Nah. I think someone else is enjoying them too.

Just a bit of fun. There is always time for fun. :-*

[Zaira]

Bumper Stickers

These are my favourite.


OTHER DRIVERS BEWARE!

I DON'T DO MORNINGS!

I HAVEN'T HAD MY COFFEE.

ARE WE HAVING FUN YET?

WHAT WOULD XENA DO?

MY BOYFRIEND IS A BOXER!

I HAVE GIVEN UP SMOKING!

WATCH OUT! COMING THROUGH!

KEEP HONKING...I'M RELOADING.

COVER ME. I'M CHANGING LANES.

MY OTHER CAR IS A STEAM-ROLLER.

I BRAKE FOR NO APPARENT REASON!

I HATE BUMPER STICKERS!

I HAD A HANDLE ON LIFE BUT IT BROKE.

I'M A WOMAN! NEED I SAY MORE?

I DON'T KNOW MY LEFT FROM MY RIGHT.

I'M A CAPRICORN - I HAVE ALREADY WON!

I'M OBJECTIVE; I OBJECT TO EVERYTHING.

I MIGHT BE SLOW BUT I'M AHEAD OF YOU!

I MUST HURRY, I'M ALMOST OUT OF PETROL!

DID YOU REMEMBER TO BRING A HAND-BASKET?

I CAN GO FROM ZERO TO BITCH IN TWO SECONDS!

I PLAN TO LIVE FOREVER SO KEEP YOUR DISTANCE!

WHO DIED AND MADE YOU KING OF THE ROAD!

YOU ARE RIGHT WHERE YOU BELONG, BEHIND ME!

I STOP SUDDENLY TO TALK TO COMPLETE STRANGERS.

I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I'M NOT AFRAID TO USE IT!

I MISSED THE OTHER DRIVER BUT MY AIM IS GETTING BETTER.

OKAY, WHO STOPPED THE PAYMENT ON MY REALITY CHECK?

SOME PEOPLE ARE ONLY ALIVE BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO KILL.

I DON'T SUFFER FROM INSANITY, I ENJOY EVERY MINUTE OF IT!

IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE WAY I DRIVE, STAY OFF THE SIDEWALK.

TODAY A VOICES TOLD ME TO STAY HOME AND CLEAN MY GUN!

I WANT TO GROW OLD AND DIE IN MY BED NOT IN A CAR WRECK!

I SOMETIMES LET MY MIND WANDER. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

IT IS AS BAD AS YOU THINK, AND THEY ARE OUT TO GET YOU. HIDE!

OKAY! SO YOU CAN READ! NOW GET YOUR EYES BACK ON THE ROAD!

I CAN READ YOUR MIND, AND YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!

I CAN ONLY PLEASE ONE PERSON AT A TIME, AND YOUR NOT THAT PERSON!

I HATE ANIMALS AND CHILDREN. WHAT CHANCE DO YOU THINK YOU HAVE?

I'M LOST AND IF I BEGIN TO RECOGNISE WHERE I AM I MAY TURN SUDDENLY.

[Zaira]

This guy goes skydiving for the first time. After he jumps out of the plane, he counts to ten, pulls the ripcord, and nothing happens. Only a little worried, he pulls the cord for the auxiliary parachute, but unfortunately, the chute still does not appear. As he is plummeting toward the Earth, he sees a woman coming up the other way. He shouts to her "Do you know anything about parachutes?" "No", she says, "do you know anything about gas stoves?"

[Zaira]

All the money and etiquette classes in the world couldn't erase the panic on that face -

http://www.makemelol.com/media/496/Letterman_Destroys_Paris_Hilton/

[Zaira]

A bit of an old one. I saw this when it first went out, I was pretty angry at first with what he did, but the end is just so awesome you can't help but laugh!


http://www.makemelol.com/media/430/Ricky_Gervais_on_Comic_Relief/

[Tin Lizzie]

This guy goes skydiving for the first time. After he jumps out of the plane, he counts to ten, pulls the ripcord, and nothing happens. Only a little worried, he pulls the cord for the auxiliary parachute, but unfortunately, the chute still does not appear. As he is plummeting toward the Earth, he sees a woman coming up the other way. He shouts to her "Do you know anything about parachutes?" "No", she says, "do you know anything about gas stoves?"

Feel sorry for the hinnie, she's gotta come back down again ouch!

[Zaira]

http://i135.photobucket.com/albums/q134/asdat/Peek-A-Boo.gif

[Zaira]

http://i135.photobucket.com/albums/q134/asdat/fukital1pa.jpg

[Zaira]

Okay here's a riddle for you...

A farmer has to transport a fox, a goose and a sack of grain across a river. The boat is so small that there is room only for him and one of the others at a time, but if he leaves the fox and goose together the fox will kill the goose, and if the goose and the sack of grain are left together the goose will eat the grain. How does he get them all over?
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Answer:

1st journey takes goose only, leaving fox and grain. Returns leaving goose on other side.

2nd journey takes fox over, leave fox on other side, returns with goose.

3rd journey takes grain over leaving on the other side with fox. Returns and picks up goose again taking it over on the 4th journey.


Alternatives (for those smart arses):

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A2: Geese can swim so takes fox over first goose tethered and swimming behind each journey. Returns and picks up grain (2 Journeys).

A3: Fox and grain in boat, both farmer and goose swim, farmer pushing boat (1 Journey).

[Zaira]

Computer Dictionary: You know all those new terms that you have so much trouble keeping up with? NOW you have your handy all in one computer dictionary. When you run into those unfamiliar words, simply look up the meaning below.

BIT - A word used to describe computers, as in "Our daughter's computer cost quite a bit."

BOOT - What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your computer skill.

BUG - What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny green computer screen for more than 15 minutes. Also: What computer magazine companies do to you after they get you on their mailing list.

CHIPS - The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals.

COPY - What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much time playing games on your computer and not enough time studying.

CURSOR - What you turn into when you can't get your computer to perform, as in "You %@& computer!"

DISK - What goes out of your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seven hours at a clip.

DUMP - The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install games on your computer.

ERROR - What you made when you first walked into a computer showroom "just to look."

EXPANSION UNIT - The new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals.

FILE - What a secretary can now do to her nails six and a half hours a day, now that the computer does her day's work in 30 minutes.

FLOPPY - The condition of a constant computer user's stomach due to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food (see "CHIPS").

HARDWARE - Tools, such as lawn mowers, rakes and other heavy equipment you haven't laid a finger on since getting your computer.

IBM - The kind of missile your family members and friends would like to drop on your computer so you'll pay attention to them again.

MENU - What you'll never see again after buying a computer because you'll be too poor to eat in a restaurant.

PROGRAMS - Those things you used to look at on your television before you hooked your computer up.

[FarSideOfTheMoon]

Zaira,

Can you do this?

http://www.dafun.de/Kleiner_Kerl_spiel_Gitarre_Led_Zeppelin_3072

[Zaira]

Your Computer by Dr. Suess

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom.

Author Unknown

[Zaira]

"Kleiner Kerl spiel Gitarre (Led Zeppelin)"

"Can you do this?"

Wow! No! Can you?!! :smiley:

[Zaira]

You gave me the idea for posting the computer jokes after telling me about your laptop. I was going to post them then give you the link. You beat me here!! :smiley:

I have one somewhere that is a computer prayer, I'll see if I can find it and post it later. :smiley:

[Zaira]

Cookie Thieve (u'll love it read)

A woman was waiting at the airport one night,
With several long hours before her flight.
She hunted for a book in the airport shop,
Bought a bag of cookies and found a place to drop.

She was engrossed in her book, but happened to see,
That the man beside her, as bold as could be,
Grabbed a cookie or two from the bag between,
Which she tried to ignore to avoid a scene

She read, munched cookies, and watched the clock,
As the gustly "cookie thief" diminished her stock
She was getting more irritated as the minutes ticked by,
Thinking, "If I wasn't so nice, I'd blacken his eye!"

With each cookie she took, he took one too.
When only one was left, she wondered what he'd do.
with a smile on his face and a nervous laugh,
He took the last cookie and broke it in half.

He offered her half, and he ate the other.
She snatched it from him and thought, "Oh brother,
This guy has some nerve, and he's also so rude,
Why, he didn't even show any gratitude!"

She had never known when she had been so galled,
And sighed with relief when her flight was called.
She gathered her belongings and headed for the gate,
Refusing to look at the "thieving ingrate".

She boarded the plane and sank in her seat,
Then sought her book, which was almost complete.
As she reached in her baggage, she gasped with surprise.
There were her bag of cookies in front of her eyes!

"If mine are here," she moaned with despair.
"Then the others were his and he tried to share!"
Too late to apologize, she realized with grief,
That she was the rude one, the ingrate, the thief!!!!

[Zaira]

Just been to the gym and there is a new machine there only used it for an hour as I started to feel sick! It's good though - it does everything........


……..Kit-Kats…. Mars bars…. Snickers….. and crisps.........!!!!

[Zaira]

The difference between men and women.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/3002946.stm

[Zaira]

This is supposed to be the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. The Radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on Oct. 10, 1995.

- Please change your direction 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

- Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision.

- This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

- No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

- THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!
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- This is a lighthouse. Your call.

[Zaira]

Catch a rabbit

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.

The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in.
After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in.
They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling:
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."Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

[Matt]

This is supposed to be the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. The Radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on Oct. 10, 1995.



- Please change your direction 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.



- Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision.



- This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.



- No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.



- THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!


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- This is a lighthouse. Your call.

I love that one. But being as this is a sceptics website I just have to quibble at the "Actual"

Just in case you didn't know it an urban legend. Snopes has the full scoop (http://www.snopes.com/military/lighthouse.asp)

[Zaira]

I just thought it was a funny joke.

[Zaira]

SMART ASS ANSWERS -

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it , no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

[Zaira]

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why
his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."

[Zaira]

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievements.. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?' His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

[Zaira]

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "You're no good in bed either!" and storms out of the house. After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
She says, "Getting a second opinion!"

[Zaira]

A Visit To The Restroom

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.
You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume " The Stance."

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail .

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow ****s everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.

You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!

This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so accurately!

[Zaira]

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman,
"I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks.
"It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.
After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this.".
"What?" asks the priest, "what happened?".
"You gave birth to a child!".
"But that's impossible!" says the priest.
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says,
"Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says,
"What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies,
"I am your mother. The archbishop is your father.".

[Zaira]

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

[Zaira]

Three men go on holiday abroad together. The tourist office informs them that there is only one hotel in town with vacancies. The lads go along there, only to be told by reception that there is just one available room left in the hotel. They are not keen, but as it is their only option, they take the room for one evening and share its only bed.
That night, they all enjoy a good night's sleep. In the morning, the guy on the right side of the bed says,
"I dreamt I had the best wank last night."
The guy on the left side says,
"That's funny, I had the exact same dream!".
The guy in the middle says, "I dreamt I was skiing."

[Zaira]

http://i135.photobucket.com/albums/q134/asdat/Hi.jpg

[Zaira]

You Need To Have a Bad Day -

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died." St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!" St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line.
"OK, picture this; I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."